Friday, June 13, 2014

Leaving Egypt

Asalamu Alaykom,

One of the problems of not writing very often is that, when you do want to write, you're out of practice.  Today, although I wanted to post, I wasn't sure how I was going to start.  Before I knew it, my time at the computer had totaled an hour without me beginning a thing ---I did, however, watch a compilation of the best viral videos ever.

When the loudspeakers began broadcasting Quran, I knew I had to wake my husband up.  He had gotten up with me and prayed fajr.  We had spent the morning together.  We had eaten feteera and romy cheese with El-Kid.  We watched The Middle and Face-Off.  It definitely was the kind of Friday I had needed.

Then, reminiscent of my Sundays getting ready for church with my mom, it was a rush to get out the door.  My husband was all set but El-Kid was still brushing his teeth.  I had a feeling that my husband would leave without him if that swish and spit didn't happen soon enough.

"You can't go without him!  You can go the next six weeks without him.  Just wait a minute, please!"

I got El-Kid out of the bathroom and away from his bedroom mirror, to the door and down the stairs.  I threw on a hijab and stuck my head out of the window.  I saw my husband below on the street in his galabiya walking hurriedly and then I turned my head to search for my boy.  There he was!  Alhumdulillah.  The boy caught up to the man and they walked together.  By the time they were passing the snack stand, they were hand-in-hand.

I watched them walk down our street and wanted them to turn back to wave at me.  They didn't.  They didn't have time.  Far from me now, I could see a stout, older man stop and greet them.  After that, they turned the corner and were out of my view.

That's when I choked up.  That image of Egypt will have to stay with me for many weeks while I am away.  I write "I" but of course I really mean "we".  If you've read the blog for any amount of time, then you know that my little dude is always with me.  My son and I are leaving Egypt to spend the summer in the States.  I will have to leave my husband here since naseeb worked out that way.  Alhumdulillah.

In many ways, I don't want to go.  I feel compelled as it's been three years.  The last time I went was after two years.  Last year, I really couldn't go as we I'd been out of work for two months and didn't have enough money.

Over these last three years, so much has happened back home.  My big son went away to college.  My girl went on to high school.  My mother sold her house and moved (only to have a fire at her new apartment).  She's survived a minor operation and the death of her best friend.  Her memory is slipping a little.  My father's memory, due to Alzheimer's, is gone.  I need to see all of them.

One of the hallmarks of American society, is that my mother lives in the North and my father lives in the South.  He isn't Southern.  He is a man of the North Woods so I really don't want to think of him surrounded by oil fields and rednecks; now, I'll have to see him (and his lady friend) there.  I'll also have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to visit both parents.

Making this trip hurts me financially.  I have basically worked for months to save up enough money to afford the airfare alone.  Anything we hoped to do for ourselves in Egypt (for our home or our future) has to be put on hold while I make this trip.

Just as importantly, this trip is potentially dangerous to my iman.  I didn't want to be in America during Ramadan AGAIN.  I didn't want to be living with my Non-Muslim mother while I was fasting and she was not understanding my needs.  The fasting will be long and hot and depleting of my strength.  So many co-workers said they absolutely could not travel back to the States and fast throughout July.  I know.  I know!

I have lost connections with my Muslim friends in the States.  I will not have the sisterhood I had on my last trip.  The one Muslim who I have the closest connection to is....El-Kid's dad, X2.

His wife and children will be spending their summer in the States too.  It was much nicer when she and I were changing countries at the same time.  2014 will be different.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for all the manipulative games that Egyptian wives play.  I have the funny feeling that, on the contrary, she is very ready!

I've been getting a taste of the battles being readied for me from several emails sent by X1.  Everything between my teen girlie and I had been going fine.  She said that she was worried how we would reconnect so we talked it over.  We were doing well until I emailed her father with details of the trip.  He let me know that he would support her if she decided not to see me at all during the summer.

Next, it was my teen's turn to send me a missive.  She changed her ways from loving and understanding to spiteful victim wanting revenge.  Her words really were from his head.  Astragferallah.  In his attempts to damage me, I know he hurts her more.  The thing that helps me is knowing how teens change attitudes as much as they change hairstyles.

In the end, I'm at peace with the possibility of not seeing her.  I have to be shut off from this because my life, in the end, is not totally up to me.  Craziness is from thinking you can control what you can't.  I do find solace in Prophet Noah/Nuh (AS) who had to leave those he loved.  Actually, I think all prophets (peace be upon them all) had a time of leaving the people in order to find their place.

My place has become Egypt.

This week, I signed another contract to teach another year.  It's a commitment.  Sometimes, it's hard to commit to a place that changes leaders in such strange ways and leaves me wondering who is really running the show.  It's hard to be in a place with such poor decisions on all levels.  It's been REALLY hard living in my family home with my two pregnant sisters-in-law.  Yet, I'm here.

Hey, if IKEA can make it in Egypt, so can I!

I do have a friend here now.  She's Australian.  She wears a floppy hat for sun protection and worries about her kids.  She lives on the upper echelon of income levels but sees me as an equal.  She is not Muslim but she is not knocking it either.  Our sons are good friends.  Alhumdulillah.

Both our sons were awarded on Wednesday for being on the Honor Roll this year.  It's been a good year for Boo El-Kid.  He's really grown.  He's had moments of wisdom and naughtiness, of independence and neediness.  He's gone through third grade ---or almost has (as soon as he finishes exams this week).  He's someone I am proud of.

As we sat on the bus that Wednesday, with him in his shiny medal around his neck, we were quiet and smiling; our head so close to each other that we shared the same aura.  His beautiful mashahallah face shone WALLAHI IT SHONE as he said to me in a voice so full of sweet hope, "It's good we stayed in Egypt."

He said that and I laughed and then agreed.  We hugged each other.  I can't ever tell you how much I love that guy.  I can't ever have you understand how much of my life's energy has been used to ensure his survival.  Subhanallah, that we have made it this far.  Subhanallah, we are sharing this life.

Ah, the guys just got home.  They brought ice cream cones, as they often do. It's time for me to enjoy more of this day inshahallah.

Please keep us in your du'as as we travel this week.  Not every trip is for pleasure.  This one is out of obligation.  Having said that, I hope that we will make out of it the most that we can.

I'm looking forward to rootbeer, raspberries and cheddar cheese.  I've ordered used DVDs from Amazon to arrive at my mom's place:  All Creatures Great and Small (Season 2); Little House on the Prairie (Season 1), Square Pegs (Complete Show); Wizard of Oz; and Sound of Music.  El-Kid will have clean streets and playgrounds.  I will have a chance to shop Indian stores again.  Neither of us will miss the loud neighborhood children up until 2 am.  It will be a break.

This August, inshahallah, we will return to our home in Egypt.  It will mark five years since we first came in 2009 (with $2,000 and four suitcases).  We have so much more now---and maybe we need a break from this time and place to understand just what it is that we have.

May Allah be with of all us this Ramadan, accept our prayers and fasting and forgive us when we repent.



Naureen said...

Hey Yoshra, I came back to your blog after a really long time. It's good that you are going to the US. Besides the situation and issues you mentioned you would be coming across there, but don't worry. All is going to be good inshaAllah. Ramadan, is just wonderful, will be extremely long for you though, but I think its for the best. Only Allah knows what He has in store. So Boo became El-kid??I need to catch up. He sounds like a gentleman. Reminds me of my nephew alot. LOL. MashaAllah. I have been upset for a while regarding where my life is heading, just remember me in your prayers please, and ask Allah to help show my goals in life. I will pray for you too and don't worry. US will be fun and much needed for you both. Take care

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Naureen,

Nice to see you :) That's one good reason to keep writing---repeat readers come back!

Ya, it is good to go to the U.S. I know that it is but it's not going to be easy. I'm trying to stay in between optimistic and realistic. Inshahallah, I'll do what I can.

Yes, Mr. Boo has morphed into more of a dude so his new blog moniker, "El-Kid" has come into being. He is mashahallah good enough.

I'm sorry that you've been feeling out of sorts. Sometimes we need those tumultuous times to shake us from complacency. Let it spur you on to better---whatever that "better" is. No one can stay in the same position forever (even if it was comfortable for a long time). Change! Make it work for you :) Prayers your way for revitalization this Ramadan.

Love and Light!

Helen van Mierlo said...

Assalamu alaikum,

I understand your feelings so much! I don't feel well in my birth country anymore too. But sometimes have to be done. May Allah make it a beneficial time for you and make your iman strong and may he bless your family, ameen.

imenbouyahya said...

Salam Alaykum,

Dear Yosra, Great to see you posting :)

What a peaceful post! I am happy that you're fine and at peace with all the decisions you made and the expectations you're looking forward to.
Your goal was to be at peace rather than happy, Congrats dear you're there! I see a lot of wisdom in your words aka feelings.

Your task now is to keep that PEACE, do not let anything/anyone break it, It's been a hard journey.

May Allah make all your steps blessed and make fasting in the US easy for you :)

You're Always in my duaa.


Marie Kléber said...

Yosra, it's good to read you again. May God ease your trip to the US. If it has to be done, I feel like you are definitely ready for it. Your words feel serene dear.
It might be tough but God has great plans for all of us.
Take care and may you have a blessed Ramadan.

Anonymous said...

Salam ALaikom

Thank You for writing. Your post made me teary eyed. You see, I love Egypt and I was living there too, but things happened and I had to leave with my son... I still have Egyptian family connections there. Sometimes, though we need a connection, a reminder, a picture from someone who is seeing Egypt from a similar perspective. Egypt isn't perfect. No, it isn't.

Let me tell your other readers. Living in Egypt is not easy. Many people don't make it. they crash and burn within a year. My first year there was hard for me, but I made it with Allahs help. The years that I lived there I learned alot of things that I simply wouldn't have if I had never left the comfort of my own country.

You are making it too. You are a Muslimah. You have had a lot of challenges that not many would have been able to handle long term.

As challenging life can be in Egypt, this trip to the states is a good time remember what sort of blessing it is.

May God bless you. Thank you for writing. For giving me that glimpse of my Egypt. The one that I remember and miss...