Thursday, May 16, 2013

Eat Pizza, Pray, Love


Asalamu Alaykom,





This has been a hard week in the labeling department of Yosra, Inc.  They sure have been busy!

I have been called:

heartless,

cruel,

Actually, that was within the same phrase so I'll amend that.  Let me start over...

I have been called:

cruel and heartless,

a horrible mother,

not a true friend,

and not a good Muslim.

I've been told that:

I'm ugly,

I'm stupid,

I'm irresponsible,

I'm too loud,

I'm not funny,

I'm out of line,

and I'm better off dead.

Sigh.

This is the end of that week.  The week is done.  Alhumdulillah.

I told my husband that Mr. Boo and I would be needing pizza for dinner tonight.  No one eats pizza but us.  The rest of the family seems happy with rice and chicken but I can't eat that endlessly.  I can't eat it on Thursday.  I need my T.G.I.T. (Thank God it's Thursday) food.  I need a break from what was and a hope that I can start re-establishing what will be better.

I looked forward to that pizza.  It isn't exactly pizza, but more on that later.  Sure, it isn't Fat Lorenzo's but Pizza King is the closest facsimile I can get delivered to my home next to the Pyramids.

I realize that I've got a refrigerator full of leftovers from downstairs.  I have carefully brought them up, covered them up, yet not eaten them up.  I didn't really like that food the first time I saw it.  Alhumdulillah, it's halal but it wasn't enlivening me.  It wasn't me.

The Land of Misfit Food will soon be cleaned out and donated to the sheep on the roof.  He's only here until Eid Al-Adha.  He might as well enjoy a home cooked meal while he can (before he becomes the home cooked meal).

I don't have to accept what other people give me.  I don't have to keep holding on to it because I don't know what to do with it.  I know I don't want it!  It is depressing to horde the horrible.  I truly need to release.

When I walked in the door, my husband was still mad at me.  It sucks to not be welcomed home.  It sucked even more that he didn't get our pizza.  As he cut his toenails in the entryway, and seemed to talk to his feet more than to me, I wondered why I had hoped so much and received so little?

I told him how we got home. "The tuk-tuk was on it's way to get gas so it didn't take us.  The carriage driver saw us.  When he went past, I told him, 'Mashahallah,' for his baby horse walking alongside the big horse.  He offered to give us a ride.  I told him that I didn't have any money.  At first, I thought only Mr. Boo should ride with him because...the man...was sitting on the seat and I didn't want to sit close to him.  But then he moved and I agreed to jump up.  He took us home."

It was miraculous to me.  Earlier today, I could not have imagined I'd see a baby horse yet I live in the perfect spot for it.  It's a world where I've got to navigate a  way to our street with my feet or a tuk-tuk yet I arrived like Cinderella in a carriage.

I prayed asr.  I didn't feel well from the bus ride.  I didn't feel good from my cold reception.  I went to lie down.  I cried.  The week had been stressful.  Even strong women cry.  Maybe we cry more because it hurts to be misperceived as though we were heartless, cruel and bad.

It is crazy-making to feel that you've given your all and to get less than you wanted in return.  However, we have to give because of who we are not because of who the others are.  God always knows what we've given.  With God is our true reward.

So, I blabbered on to my husband when he came upstairs.  He prayed.  He agreed to order the pizza after he ate downstairs.  We would wait.

You know what?  It was fine.  I made popcorn to hold us over.  I put in "Eat, Pray, Love," and I felt some release of my own stuff crowding my head.

I've made my own life.  I'm nearing 45.  I'm often misunderstood and mislabeled but I'm not easily misled any more.  Maybe I have spent a week wondering how so many people got me wrong.  Now?  I think I need to spend a weekend enjoying what I've gotten right.

The pizza was good.  There were eight (count 'em) little plastic letter Ys keeping the box from ruining the cheese.  God bless!  I envision some crafty necklace with them.

The pizza doesn't have sauce.  I realize that it gets disqualified as being real pizza then but it's still tasty.  Even bad pizza is still good (whereas the same is not true for sex...bad sex is just bad).  In Egypt, the restaurants include a little ketchup packet.  I never wanted to use ketchup on my pizza because IT'S KETCHUP.  Yet, tonight I opened the packet.  I realized something huge:  those cheap packets of ketchup  don't actually taste like ketchup and they really do taste good on the pizza that doesn't really taste like pizza.  Subhanallah.

I don't know what you're going to get out of this post but I hope it's some clarity.  We all have needs.  We need to hold tight to them.  Others are not always going to support us.  That's OK because God will send glorious good times to us when we need them.  Keep light.  Keep loving.  Believe that you don't have to eat the shit that others want to serve up to you.  You can plan your party and enjoy your nights and days.  Don't be so set in your ways that you can't accept what is available to make your life better.  Open up to what is untried and go ahead; taste what you are curious about.  It beats the status quo which has been beating you up.

And say, "alhumdulillah"  a lot.

Alhumdulillah for everything.














11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well I like you :) and I don't like egyptian pizza either so you know I have good taste lol

<3 umm mohamed

Anonymous said...

Asaalamoh alaikom,

Oh yes. I am familiar with the crazy making comments....they are a drain. I received some just this afternoon from my ex-husband.

here is a cyber hug :)

By the way, right before I saw your post I was listening to a song from Eat Pray Love.

R

Yosra said...

Asalamu alaykom Umm Mohamed,

Thanks for the voice of support. It's nice to wake up on Friday morning and feel some more balance. Your discernment of good taste helps.

Love and Light!

Wa Alaykom Asalam R.,

WHICH SONG?

I love the Eddie Veder song. I think I've posted it on the blog. Eddie Veder's voice reaches me on some deep level with a pathos and I regain some composure I was missing. He did it with another song, "Rise Up." Do you know that one? It's on youtube.

Thanks for the hug.

I don't want anyone to think I'm down. In many ways, I'm not. I've been grappling but I'm at peace at this point. I try not to write when I'm in flux. I don't want to share the crazy times. I want to share the times of clarity. I hope this feeling of clarity right now is going to last for a while. I don't need to slide down with the haters.

I like what you shared. It really isn't just me who gets the crazy-making comments. We all get them. Some of us internalize them and believe them. Some of us accept them, even though we don't believe them. I want to find another way. I don't want to even get myself into those situations which makes me vulnerable to the crude.

I have decided not to speak to X2 (AbuBoo) if I am upset about something. In the past, I said I would NEVER speak to him but in reality we have to sometimes. Although, speaking when angry leads to more problems for all involved. He's not really mine to yell at. He's my kid's dad only. I think that I handled it better with X1.

By the way, this is another reason to stay married---for me, for you, for everyone. Dealing with an ex is SO MUCH WORSE than dealing with a husband. Each ex you pile up drags you down...the drain.

Love and Light!

Anonymous said...

Salam Alaikom,

Good Morning :)

Yes, it was the Eddie Vedder song. I heard it on youtube like 5 times. Then I read some Quran. Had a good cry. I needed to balance myself out.

I don't want to internalize those comments I got. I hear them. They hurt. I think that is because it is beyond frustrating when someone only seems to want to see the bad to everything or rather make you want to believe this. Crazy making is the best word for it.

Marie Harmony said...

The week is over and it feels good for you I imagine. I did get some clarity at the end of your post. We definitely don't need to focus on what others think or say about us. Their opinion does not matter. God sees and knows everything and only his judgement matters to us.

Keep light. Keep loving. I agree to these words. This is the only thing we can do after all, the only thing that make sense.

I love to watch or read "Eat, Pray, Love". It brings peace during hardships.

Maybe if I had been older and wise I would have stayed with my husband. It was much easier dealing with him before than now. But anyway I could not handle the daily criticism - I was never good enough on too many things.

Stay in peace dear. Much love from both of us.

Thankful Slave said...

Salam Sis.Yosra,

Remember that Islam recommends us to steer away from ignorants/idiots etc.
Even the Rightly Guided Caliphs did not escape encounters with idiots in their life, such as Umar (RA), when a man came upon him and made silly remarks to Umar about him not being fair & just towards people ect.
Umar (RA) got very upset and was about to beat that individual, but one Sahabi reminded him about this verse of Quran :

"Indulge [people] with forgiveness, [accepting] what issues spontaneously from people’s manners [of behaviour], and do not scrutinise them, and enjoin kindness, decency, and turn away from the ignorant, and do not counter their stupidity with the like." [Al A'raaf - 7:199]

The Sahabi then pointed that the man who had made earlier comments was an ignorant, so Umar (RA)calmed down right away and let him go.

Enough for you to know that gheeba against you will only provide you with free hassanates.

So just take it easy always!

Salam,

T.S.

Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam Bro T.S.,

Good words and thanks!

I do love the stories of Umar (ra) because he is more falliable than Rasullulah (pbuh)and thus closer to where I am.

"Consider the source," is what we say in America but I think it's hard when you thought you had a good thing going with that person. Maybe the toughest aspect to human relationships is that vulnerable moment when you care about another person and they attack you verbally. You need to keep the love (for the sake of Allah if nothing else) even if you don't like their actions. Sometimes, we need to love from a distance. I've distanced myself from those people at this point and done so without hate. That's harder in the short run but better in the long run.

One part of "Eat, Pray, Love" which I appreciated was when her new love tells her that the ones who search for enlightenment are separated from family. I think that's true. In many ways, if you want a better connection with God, you can't let the people pull you down.

Thanks again for buoying me up.

Blessings on you and your families!

Nashipae said...

Assalamu Alaykum sis,
I read your post and this quote came to mind:
"Don't be offended when people don't seem to get you. Not
everyone recognizes brilliance."
-- Linda Poindexter

I think those of us with strong personalities are often misunderstood. I like how you work through things, and I also often find myself saying, "Consider the source."
Now, I'm off to see if I can find a copy of Eat, Pray, Love to watch. Loved the book. Dislike Egyptian pizza tremendously, unless it's from a place nearby called Majesty. :)
Keep shining,
Deb

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you are getting a moment of respite from a hectic week of being a mother/wife/working person/negotiator with ex's and present. A lot on your plate. Happy you were being kind to yourself when you finally had a moment.

I too, shall eat pizza and raise a toast to you and all women as we conquer our daily lives, one small victorious battle at a time.

Deanna Troi

Khaki said...

Assalamu 'alaykum Yosra!!
Alhamdulillah for everything. We fail to be grateful for all the blessings of Almighty and take them for granted. May Allah pardon us and make us of the grateful ones. aamen
I need du'as please. JazakiAllah kheyr!!
Much Love!

Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam Deb,

Thanks for words of understanding and support. Hey, we brilliant minds gotta stick together!

Where is Majesty Pizza?! I've got to look that up!

Love and Light!

Asalamu Alaykom Deanna,

LOL at my multi-tasking roles! They're all TRUE! This week I was Dr. Yosra as well. Don't ask...yet.

Every Thursday I'm SOOOOOOOOOO in break mode. I work hard and I relax soft. LOL! Just watched Nanny McPhee (in English thankfully) with some koshari and popcorn (yes, that's a carb overload). I seem to remember some coconut macaroons and chocolate too.

Love and Light!

Wa Alaykom Asalam Khaki!

Girl! I printed your comment and I was too busy to write a respond right away. I kept thinking of you since then and praying for the goodness you deserve.

I really got this image that your hands need to be open to Allah. Let go of whatever you're clinging to and allow Allah to place in your palm what is best.

Love and Light!