Did you ever stop to think about the life you're building?
Your life is much like the nest in the tree. While it's true that Allah provides for the birds, the birds do have to work at finding their provisions. Likewise, we humans also have to do our part to find our blessings.
These last weeks have been tough on me. I had a new job and a new school year. Both have been ripped from me. Alhumdulillah. I'll say it even though it's a little hard to say. Alhumdulillah. I don't know why Allah took them from me and maybe I'll never know. Our lives are not here on Earth to figure out Allah's Plan but simply to live through the moments with as much grace as we can muster.
Mr. Boo is still at the school. It's hard as a kid to switch schools. He's done a good job adjusting. To a large degree, it's me being present in the new environment which has eased his mind. For sure, our hour and 45 minute bus ride Thursday morning was only possible because I was with him.
I'm one foot out the door. They say they can find a different set of jobs for me to juggle this year. Next year inshahallah I'd have a classroom. I don't have a lot of trust. I truly only trust Allah.
So, I've prayed istakarrah about leaving. I'm sending out emails. I'm looking into what's really important.
Take a look at what I'm building. Go to the bottom where my foundation is, then move upward.
hi-ho-hi-ho it's off to work I go
a place to put your stuff... A HOME
health.....in both body and mind
....togetherness in family.....
love love love love love love love
DEEN ~ RELIGION ~FAITH ~ BELIEF
Did you view the building from the ground up?
"Deen" faith is most important. That's not just talk. It's true. Without that base, it doesn't matter what else you have.
"Love" I used to have love as my base. AbuBoo and I had LOTS of love. Wow. Like a crazy amount. And we lost it all. With love as the base, you forget that commitments to God need to proceed feelings.
"Togetherness in family" is something that used to mean me and Mr. Boo. I have to get out of that way of thinking. I remember it when everything is going smoothly. I'm quick to bail from that idea when times are tough. I forget that it's not just two of us anymore. I do have a husband who really is in our lives and wants to be there.
"Health" is important. We tend to think of it as just in our bodies; physical health. For me, I really need to remember mental health. I'm strong. SO STRONG! Yet, when I feel weak I simply crumble and take days until I can regain my power. It's not OK to take myself to the limits of my endurance. This isn't the Mind Game Olympics. I don't need to try for any gold medals in pushing myself to the limit. Lots of people are telling me to "hang in there" but they don't know the state of my mental health like I do. I know me. I know that this job switcheroo has devasted me. No joke. I'm not filled with enthusiam for new opportunties. I'm quietly holding back from belief in the happily ever after.
"A Home" I did turn down an offer which would have me moving to the coast. My husband simply isn't interested and if I believe that our family is a huge part of my life then I'd better listen to his needs to stay put. We do have a furnished apartment now. It's ours without a monthly rent. It's ours and it's clean, safe and comfortable. It comes with a hot meal twice a day. It is home. It was easy to dismiss it this morning when Ahmed's brother-in-law was yelling upstairs for him at 10:15 am. I don't like it at times like that but I have to see the big picture.
"Extended Family" This is more for Ahmed than for me. I really have to respect his need to have a close relationship with his family. I don't have ANY brothers or sisters. I never really associated with uncles, aunts or cousins. This is new for me. So, I will accept it even if I don't totally need it for me. I know that the man I married would be a different person without his family and if I want him....I have to want them.
I declined my mother's offer to head to The States for this school year. It's tempting because Mr. Boo would get a first-class education for free. I'd also get to be close (by distance at least) to my disagreeable daughter.
However, there's a lot of problems with the offer. For starters, she isn't really able to live with us. Another problem is that I'd have to find work and I don't know if that's possible. Actually, the immovable husband is a problem for that idea as well. And even if I convinced him to come to the U.S., I couldn't get the azan five times a day, the name of Allah on every car or the Quran recitiations heard wherever I go. I did make hijrah and it's past tense now and I have to live within the boundaries of that hijrah. I have to honor my move and not go backwards.
"Money" is not everything. In Egypt, alhumdulillah I have enough money if I'm working. If I stop working, then the money runs out quicker than I'd like. The "haves" and the "have nots" are very far apart in this country. I need to be a "haves". To be without in Egypt is to be in danger.
"Work" I had to ask myself if I really need to work. I need to be productive. If I could have a baby and tend to his or her needs, then I would. A lot of people would love it if I just birthed a fourth kid----not my mom of course. If my hub had work, then I could make having a baby my work. He doesn't... so I feel that I can't.
I do like to contribute to this society. I do feel that inshahallah when I die I'll have left this world a little better for the children I've taught in Egypt. Being a teacher is truly such a noble effort. I love being one of the good guys...I mean gals. I love being a helper not a hurter. I don't know if I could continue living in Egypt if I weren't trying to solve some of its problems.
I'd be fine working on TV as a kind of educator. I got sooooo close to this before but I walked away from it. I don't regret it. I don't want the same set-up. If I could get a new offer, I would certainly look at it.
That's as far as I got on my priorities. There's more. I know there's more. The ones which have to be in place are known and remembering them will help me make decisions for this next chapter in my life. Inshahallah.