Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Don't Blog Angry

     What about Yosra?



This is a moment when I've got a loaded laptop in front of me and I know how to use it.

But I don't want to put bad energy of frustration and anger out onto this blog.  I created it to be a kind of garden oasis for me and others.

At the same time, I am in this strange position of being this honest person and revealing writer when others are trying to find out the truth in Egypt.

In this moment, I am really torn.  I haven't been sleeping well at night.  I stay up on the computer until 2:30 AM.  I'm monitoring the world and trying to figure it all out.  Mostly, I've figured out it's really unhealthy to stay up until 2:30 AM.

I talked last night on the phone with another teacher.  No one talks in person any more.  She recommended that I leave and fly "home" to the U.S., even if it meant showing up on my mom's doorstep with nothing.  She thinks that life is only going to get harder and even more dangerous since the tourist dollars are done.  When the money in hand is all gone, the crime and unrest will make this country unlivable.  She said that those with enough money are making preparations to go abroad.

Another friend took her kids out to the amusement park and the rides were really great because they could just go right in!

Two people I know with two totally different takes on what's happening.

Time for some Nelly Furtado and Lady Gaga.  I need some fierceness if I'm going to survive.

I've got to return back to work.  7 pm tonight I got the call to come tomorrow.  TOMORROW???  I asked for another day and now it won't be until Thursday.  I have to go in order to keep my job.

The person in charge of my job/paycheck is now cold as ice to me.  After a year and a half of being here and being exemplory, she thinks I don't understand Egyptians and don't like them.  She is mad that I said we're in a civil war here.  She refutes every bad vibe and puts on a happy face.

Well, see...I can't do that.  I don't want to get morose and depressed but I also don't want to stray from reality.  And the reality is that I do feel we are in a civil war, I am scared to stay and she has the power to fire me. 

I don't trust anyone in this world---

not her

not my mother

not my kids

not my husband

only Allah. 

It doesn't mean that I hate anyone---I don't!  But I've lived long enough to see how ties can be severed on a whim due to one sharp word.  Sad. 

I don't want to be sad here.  I really am not ready to be a martyr in any regard---not even in my emotions.  I don't do well when told, "YOU MUST," because frankly that's a red flag to me.  I fight that perception that I have to do one damn thing.  I don't.  I have freedom of will.

Having said all that, I also know from living 42 years (thank you, God) that big leaps land you in big trouble.  I like how Dr. Phil says to do the next simple step to get yourself closer to what you want.  

What do I want?  

Peace.

That's all I've wanted for the last 11 years.  I changed my entire life to go on this emotional, spiritual and physical quest for serenity.  I landed

HERE!

I f-ing landed HERE in a country tearing itself apart! 

And people are all high-fiving around the world for this great historical moment Egypt has accomplished but they aren't talking new security plans and new transportation plans and new financial plans.  They are free to switch the channel.

Am I?  Am I free to switch the channel?

I've changed so much in my life---my whole identity basically and everyone and everything around me.  Only

ONLY my sweet son remains.

Tears. 

Yep, all anger is a cover for sadness.

Anybody still reading this?  Hey, it's okay if you gave up a few lines ago.

The catharsis has come about.

May Allah continue to guide and protect my son and I. 

14 comments:

TC Lynn said...

I can't even begin to imagine the feelings and thoughts you have running through you mind right now. You and only you can decide what is best for you, and your son, whether that is where you currently are, or whether you need to relocate for a while. Listen to your mind, and follow your heart, you've done pretty good with those two so far :) trust that you know best for each of you and peace be with you.

Anonymous said...

Come home. If for no other reason than to kept your own son safe. When the country is safe again you can always go back. You would not be giving up, just trying to survive. It is better to show up at your mother's doorstep penniless than to die or be harmed, especially for your son.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom TC Lynn and Anon,

I hear both of you. I'm thinking about what you are saying.

I'm not going to write too much in response at this time but I wanted to let you know that I'm tuned in better today. What's nice is that my husband is now on the same channel. Yaaay for good reception.

May Allah reward you two for caring enough to write and to write from your heart.

aishaladon said...

Inshallah things are getting back to normal in Egypt. I have been reading your blog, and appreciate you sharing your experience. I too would like to make Hijrah, but Im the only one. :(

Would you suggest it to others, or do it again if you had a chance to do it over? Why Egypt? Do you have any resources for those looking to make Hijrah and looking for work?

@mrsaishaladon (twitter)

Anonymous said...

Asalaam alaikum dear sister,

I have tears in my eyes for you. Sister, HIJRAH IS HARD!
"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying "we beleive" and that they will not be tested?
We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false" Qur'an chapter 29 verse 2

sister, as a fellow muhajrah i have felt the difficulties of hijrah, because of it's great reward and few muslims who really make it for Allah's sake. Hang in there!

YOU ARE BEING TESTED

Personally I have been CLINGING to Allah's words "And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)" surah Al Talaaq 65 :2

so Allah must really love you!

"Whenever Allah wills good for a person, he subjects him to adversity" Hadith Sahih Bukhari

Umm Tareq in Algeria

Liora said...

Although I am not Muslim, I'm a Jew who made Aliyah six years ago I know a few things about a faith based move to an Middle Eastern country. I get the whole "G-d is testing you" arguement, but leaving until things settle down and then going back when it is safer is okay.

egyptchick7 said...

Hey !! It's been quite a while. I have been reading your blog for about a month and haven't commented until now. Honestly, I'm digging the writing in this blog post.

I went to Egypt in 2009 for a month after 9 years of not going and fell in love. I know it is difficult now but better days are definitely ahead inshallah.

I am sorry you are frustrated but both you and I know there are other places, and I am specifically thinking about the place we both have in common in Egypt that you can relocate to. Your husband may not want to relocate but it is much safer there after chatting with family and there is this great school always ( well I don't know about always) looking for American teachers paying a very nice pound-age/month.

Say hi to Mr.Boo, eat some koshary, taimeya and moolekhia for me :)

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Aisha,

Thanks for reading and commenting.

I know it seems like "getting back to normal" over here in Egypt but I can't agree---unless your version of normal is tanks, soldiers, the army in control of your country, and no constitution.

You asked some good questions:

"Would you suggest it to others?"

In the same way I would only inform others about Islam, I would only inform people about making hijrah. I don't know if Islam is right for everyone---Allah only knows. If it is right for you or someone else, then my information will be helpful (I hope).


"...or do it again if you had a chance to do it over?"

I don't look at life EVER as a "if I had to do it over again" since that is not reality. It's best to stay real and deal with what is rather than "what could have been". Honestly, it NEVER was going to happen another way. It is what it is.

"Why Egypt?"

Egypt and Egytians have been in my life longer than I've been practising Islam. I can relate to the culture and to the freedoms offered by this group of people. The country is very rich in history and diversity of places. I knew I would find what I needed in Egypt. I'd already been to Egypt in 2002. I had Mr. Boo's grandma, aunties, uncles, cousins all here and in a pinch they would not let us down. Mr. Boo's father would know how to help us here if that were necessary.

"Do you have any resources for those looking to make Hijrah and looking for work?"

Everyone has people and information around them which are just waiting to help you. All you have to do, if you want to make hijrah is to make the intention. As SOON as you make that intention with Allah, theose resources will come to light and guide you. Inshahallah. :)

Keep me posted on how things are going for you. I hope sincerely that you find the desire for hijrah grow inside you. It is not easy. It is not for everyone. But if you make the journey you will never ever be able to say you were complacent in a mundane existence that never amounted to much. You will know that you've done the most you can to live the most you can.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Umm Tareq,

Yes, ameen to all you say. This is not me sitting on the couch. This is me living large. So, you're right---there will be tests which are also large and sometimes un-nerving.

I would not want to leave hijrah but I am considering leaving this exact spot and situation. I've been reading (and typing out) stories of the wives of the Prophet (peace to him and to them). There were many cases of believers who left for Abyssinia and the who left again for Medina. I'll see where I am to be. I've opened my mind to the possibility of leaving and if it's meant to be then I will.

Thank you for your words and tears. Let's keep going through this world together and believe that we are here for a good reason.

Asalamu Alaykom Liora,

I really appreciate you reading and writing. I'll have to read more about Aliyah. We are sisters of faith, you and I. Only God knows when we are able to bend and when we could break. I am bending right now and praying to God that I am REALLY agile. LOL! I also agree that there comes a time when you re-evaluate your circumstances and become congniscent of the true moment you're in.

Asalamu Alaykom EGYPT CHICK!!!

Wow! What a time we've gone through, eh??? So you fell in lurve? with Egypt? anybody else? Egypt is going through an identity crisis at the moment (we've got tanks and soldiers in the street but we want tourists too). I still love the world I'm in but "yes" I might make a latitude or longitude shift. We'll see. I'm open to staying fluid and going where I need to be OR staying if that is OK.

In the meantime, I'll be chowing on good Egyptian food (and trying secretely to make some Chinese stir fry with camel meat).

Keep checking in! Tell me more about how you're doing. I missd you!

Um Zakarya said...

Assalamu Aleykum dear sister,

I haven't commented much as I was abroad for a while.I just came back home and am reading all the posts I've missed.SubhanALLAH it seems the situation is still quite complicated over there.
Are you still considering leaving Egypt?If yes, then I guess you're thinking of shifting to another safer muslim country INSHALLAH?

Lot of love to you and your little boy.

Mai to the Extreme said...

Not stuck at 24 anymore!

Know why?

Because I read about the only One you trust...Allah, subhaana wa taala, and regardless of how happy my life is, I can honestly say, "Me too."

One of the first surahs I learned was Al Sharh. Everything that comes is for us to learn from and to move us to a better place. May Egypt learn and improve, and may you as well - ameen.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Um Zakarya,

Nice to see you! Well, I am happy that you have been out in the world seeking fame and fortune---and maybe a new man. I better read over at your blog to see what's been going on.

The situation...yes, in Egypt the situation is not what the media would have you believe. The nice happy ending to the Revolution was good for business but that's not where we're at. We're still trying to figure it out.

Leaving Egypt? I started filling out an application and stopped. I could'nt do it. My heart wasn't in it. I can't be half when it comes to visualizing my life. I've got to see it fully or not start down that path.

Maybe at a future date I'll need to re-think but for now? I'm here. We're here. We're OK.

Alhumdulillah :)

Asalamu Alaykom Mai to the EXTREME,

Thanks for being someone who understands me. Yes, trusting Allah only is still a happy thing. Doesn't mean I'm all emo about the deal.

Thanks for being #25! You've been rewarded as nicely as a kindergarten teacher knows how: coloring page! See it on the sidebar? It's YOURS! Click it and you'll get the original site.

Ameen to your du'a. I do hope that I'm a good student through these lessons because I REALLY don't want to repeat them.

Thanks for playing along and being a fun free spirit.

Keep reading and commenting :)

Um Zakarya said...

Dear Yosra,

Yes actually I got recently married to a wonderful man ALHAMDULILLAH.
I really do hope you will feel safe in Egypt again very soon INSHALLAH.

I always keep you and your little boy in my duas.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom UmZakarya,

MABROOK! Congratulations! A wonderful man is a beautiful thing! I'm happy for you!

OK, so just keep calm the moment he lets you down. LOL! I know this sounds horrible but I mean it in all honesty and kindness. We get so convinced that a wonderful man is wonderful all the time that the first time my husband was a jerk I was really shocked. It doesn't last forever and commitment does.

Inshahallah we'll get through first day of school with kids tomorrow. That normalizing Egypt will help things feel better inshahallah.

Thank YOU! Jazakullah kheir for your du'as! Wallahi (Swear to God) I owe many moments of grace to those who cared about us through this blog.

Best wishes for you and your husband today, tomorrow and always.