When I first moved here last year, I needed a car.
Need. Need is different than want. I needed a car to go from here to there and I thought that I should go for my heart's desire.
I decided on a Sebring convertible. I started looking them up on Craig's List. I made a couple of calls. I could afford it. I could buy own one. I could...
relive the days gone by.
I had driven a Sebring covertible last when I was selling used cars. I had to deliever it some miles away. I had on this cute little vintage 50's dress and heels. I looked hot AND I was behind the wheels of a convertible.
I called up the golf pro with whom I had been chatting. I had gotten hooked on the chat line late at night when I couldn't sleep. Remember: this is before Islam. It was entertaining. This guy was really funny. We talked and joked. He didn't live too far from my dealership. I called him and told him that I looked good and was driving a cool car and I was going to show up. He insisted that I should not BUT you know me! I drove on over anyway and called on my cell.
He came out to see me.
I treated him with the utmost kindness and respect and said hello and goodbye.
Then, I drove off.
He called me when I was a few minutes away.
"You are dissapointed," he mumbled.
"Well, you aren't who you said you were. You could have told me what you really looked like," I said in comment about his shocking obesity and unkempt apperance.
"So, you are mad about my weight?" He asked.
"No," I answered. "I am upset that you weren't truthful. I liked you for the way you thought and really enjoyed our conversations. Why did you have to make up a lie? I would have talked to you regardless of your size."
"No, you wouldn't have."
"Well, now you'll never know because you never tried to find out."
And we said goodbye as I continued to drive.
There was a time when I was younger, cuter, and filled with more energy. There was a time when I was more desirable---and desired more out of life than what I ended up with. I lived through that time and I live in the now of this moment.
That was then.
This is now.
I eventually had to admit that my fantasy behind the wheel was before I had another child. After I had a little boy; my little love, I didn't need that convertible. I only wanted it. What I needed was a safe car that got the two of us from A to Z.
It isn't just me in this life. It is me and Mr. Boo.
When I pray istakkarah, I pray it for the two of us and how my intentions would affect not just my life but his. There are many things I might want to do, but I have to let those wishes fly away while making du'a for only the things that we really need.
I interviewed for a job down here which would have taken me away from Mr. Boo for half of each day during the time we are staying here. It would have meant me rushing around every morning and being stressed out at night planning the lessons. All for $26, once you take out the gas, the tolls, the babysitter and ...wow! That's even before taxes! So, it would have been rewarding in many ways and a hassle in more ways than that.
I am not going for that job.
Incredibly though, I was down here for two weeks and got an interview. You know that whole time I was without a job up north I didn't have one interview for a job in the metro area? It is a better place for me here.
I am sitting in someone else's beautiful house, using their car, and eating their food. Keep thinking of The Talking Heads' song and remarking, "How did I get here?" I mean, I lost my job and my money and landed in a great spot by the Grace of God. Truly. I am blessed in this moment.
And I need this moment of grace. I need to get a grip. It's been tough, Gang---this life; this time.
I've brought you all along for this ride. Some of you are here for goodness. Some of you are here for badness. Some of you act like the "Golf-pro" only to have me find out who you really are. Allah knows.
Just like that convertible not being right for me (because it doesn't meet our needs), I am thinking that the blog ONCE AND FOR ALL is unsafe. "Unsafe at any speed," was what Ralph Nader once said about a recalled car. I don't think I can trust my life on this internet highway. And it's not just me...it's me and Mr. Boo.
In 10 days, I will close this blog once again. I will not delete it. If you come here, you will read that you need a password to get in, but really...I'm not going to let anyone in.
This might seem unfair to those of you who have been on the journey with me. I agree...it is a bit unfair but I am deeply concerned over what has become of my life in the hands of others.
For me? I thought being open and honest was possible. It isn't. Not here. This isn't safe. There are too many hidden dangers.
I envisioned this blog...my new incarnation of the old blog...as a garden; a safe haven of goodness. However, I forgot that we Muslims don't believe in reincarnation. We simply keep going until the day we die. All our deeds being counted. The past comes with us. The old friends, loves, and lovers and countless baggage accompanies us.
I have to leave from this place if I am ever going to really leave this level in my life.
This means that I won't be telling what happens next. I hope it's good, inshahallah. Please make du'a that it is. I need the good but more importantly my little boy needs the good. Sure, the other kids too, but most of all my little half-Egyptian. He needs me and he needs a good life that is protected. I am not protecting him enough if I am here on the web.
I ask Allah's protection on all of my sisters who love me and my family from their hearts. May Allah bless you with better than what you wish for yourselves.