Sunday, May 3, 2009

White Hawk and Me

It was like a dream, except I lived it.
I was following AbuBoo. He was tired but he helped with the last load. He was speeding as usual. I knew the way to go, yet I let him take the lead.
My car wasn't really my car. It was my mom's. It has this horrible shifting problem on the freeway. It won't rev past 60; not all the time but too often it gets stuck. I was driving below the speed limit and watching AbuBoo drive over it and drive past a pile on the road.
There was something white on the road.
It was on the line. It wasn't in this lane or the other; just in the middle. I saw the wind ruffle it. Fur? No, feathers. It was a bird.
As I drove past, I saw that its head was up and its eyes alert. It looked at me and I met its gaze.
Was it hurt? It must be or else why would it be on the road in a heap.
I began to call 911 and thought better.
I called information and got the Raptor Center. They were closed.
I had to load the items from the two vehicles but the whole time I kept thinking about the bird.
I kept remembering its eyes. It was beautiful. Was it dead by now?
It haunted me and still haunts me.
I tried to think of how to rescue it.
I've been talking to a man I used to know two years ago. Call him "Mr. Kabeer". He asked me why it was bothering me so much.
"I always feel like I'm the only one who knows; that it's down to me and I have to do the rescue. I rescue kids, and animals, and ..."
"Maybe, " he astutely observed, "it has something to do with you once wishing you could be rescued."
Yes. He's right.
I see myself in that moment of the bird. I see myself as neither here nor there but in danger of being done in; wishing someone would care enough to help me.
In the end, I had to settle down and admit that it would be highly dangerous to try to save this bird on the freeway. I had to trust that Allah knew about the bird and cared enough to do what was best for it.
My hope? I hope the bird was only dazed. I hope and pray that the bird flew away free without anyone needing to help it at all.
I know it's a sign from God.
I need to take care of myself and not hope for rescue. I am hurt, but preserve myself.I'm not done. I have life in me. I am beautiful but I need to get out of danger in order to survive.


Colleen said...

Salaams Yosra

I am happy that you have settled into your mom's place with ease. Insha'Allah, things will go smoothly there. I live with my mom and we have our moments, but she respects me being Muslim and knows how important it is to not only me, but to my son that we keep a halal house (meaning no pork anywhere and watching what we buy).

Oh that poor bird. It's hard to watch animals like that on the road and they are still alive. You did more than most people would.

I love what you wrote about not hoping to be rescued by a man. I really believe that if we keep hoping and praying that someone comes to the rescue, who is to say that this is the right person? He might be Mr Right Now, but not the Mr Right that you want. He will appear when you least expect it. I know it.

I am glad that you and AbuBoo can be civil towards each other for the sake of Mr Boo. That helps so much.

I pray that you find what you are looking for.

Salaams and Hugs!

Yosra said...

WAS Colleen,

I really do appreciate your comments tonight. I often check for comments throughout the day and when I get one as nice as yours, it makes it all worth it.

So I'm not the only one living with mom, huh? You might have to come back and talk some sense into me, as I'm thinking that I can't last more than a month.

I'll be posting about the time AbuBoo spent with us today. We get along so beautifully really. Most of the time, we are very good with each other. If it wasn't for another woman, we would still be married. Allahu alim.

I haven't been back to see the spot where I saw the bird. I hope there is nothing there, as he flew away, inshahallah.

Yes, that rescuing has got to stop. I put an end to a possible relationship which was heading towards exclusive. I just can't be that right now. I can't pin my hopes and dreams on a man.

Thanks again for commenting.

Where are the rest of you??? Hope you are all well and enjoying the change in weather.

Colleen said...

Salaams Yosra

LOL yes, been living with my mom a few months before my son was born. Was in Egypt and came back to have him. Then with some medical conditions that he had at the time, I had to stay here. Alhumdulilah he is fine now. So it's been almost 3 years now. My how time goes so fast. I think one of our most trying times is dealing with my son. My mom has this underlying need for control over anything and anyone. Since she has gotten older, it has diminished some, but it's still there. Let's just call it a work in progress on fixing it. You want to know a secret that helps me keep my sanity? Tuning her out. I know sometimes she means well, but there are those where I want to just pull my hair out. Also my little handy MP3 player that I just turn up the sound and all is fine lol. Just take a deep breath. I always think of floating in water. It helps.

I really believe that having that kind of relationship with AbuBoo is so great for your son. It's giving him a message that even though you and his father are not together, you both still love him. As for the other woman, yes, she is to blame, just as him. But Allahu Alim. It's in the past. And you need to look towards the future.

I hope that bird flew away too. Insha'Allah.

I am glad you are strong enough to know that the relationship was heading down that road that you don't want to be on. It shows that you are becoming stronger and wiser. I think as women, we have to know that we can not always depend on a man to make our dreams come true. That we are perfectly able to not only dream, but make those dreams fly.

I am glad my words gave you comfort.

Salaams and Hugs!

chet said...

Perhaps neither here nor there, but if you see an injured animal, the best chance of rescue is to get in touch with a wildlife rehabiliator (rehabbers are licensed by state for the rescue and care of wildlife). Here's a link toward finding one, should the need arise:


Lisa said...

I just wish that Abu Boo could have been the one. Somehow, find myself scretly hoping that his wife wasn't part of this picture.

You certainly are brave enough without needing rescue, but every girl does deserve to feel loved and cared for. Being single for the rest of our lives and living with parents is unnatural for all of us.

I really think this is one of your most beautful posts Yosra.

Either way the bird is okay, and my sincere hope is that someone else thought to stop, or he slithered to the side when it was safe enough.

You have taught me that we can't just sit around and dream of things. We have to try to grab life. Either way, the decision is will be made, better you and I than letting it just sit there and be decided.

I hope you can go to Egypt and meet Umm Travis and Empress Anisa! Love you dear.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Again Colleen,

Loved your comments once again! LOL at the MP3 moments. Ya, we just had another go-to about the car (like really we have to get it to the mechanic 3 times this week?)

I will truly remember to TUNE OUT more this time.

It's funny how you talked about the relationship with AbuBoo before I wrote my most recent posting, which was all about our improved relationship.

You phrased it all beautifully when you said, " I think as women, we have to know that we can not always depend on a man to make our dreams come true. That we are perfectly able to not only dream, but make those dreams fly."

Great writing, my dear :)

Now, let's see if I actually am wise enough and strong enough to make my dreams into goals and reality.

Asalamu Alaykom Chet,

Thanks for your concern. We do have a huge raptor center nearby, but it wasn't open at the time I needed it.

Asalamu Alaykom Lisa,

Ya, his wife has always been part of the picture. The only way I would ever consider him again is if she died. I don't wish her to die. But, as long as she's alive, I would never ever consider it.

May Allah protect me and my children. For real.

I'm glad you liked this posting :)

Inshahallah I will go to Egypt, but do I know this ladies?