Friday, May 22, 2009

Bringing God into the Deal


It was the third phone call of the day that did it.

I had to confess that I was having a hard time thinking of leaving for Egypt any more.

"Why? Because of me?" he asked.

"Yes, of course!" I answered.

Like...what else?

What else could make me drop all my plans like a man?

Nothing.

"Well, maybe you could go ahead with your plans for teaching in Egypt for this year and then when you come back, we could see how we feel."

Then we had to say goodbye.
I hated what he had said. How can a man be so ready to give me up? That's what it seemed like to me, in my hormonal state.

On the next phone call, I told him that I didn't want to talk until he had prayed istakkarah. I had prayed it and he had not and WHY NOT?!

I didn't ask him, "Why not?" but I was asking God. I felt that all our phone calls needed to stop until he had talked to Allah.

There was this quiet space in which I didn't know how I had just been received. Then we said goodbye.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I wondered what the hell I had done. The phone didn't ring that night. It didn't ring until yesterday afternoon. First, there were the pleasantries. Then he got to the reason for his call.

"I sent you an email," he wanted to say.

"I'm over at a friend's apartment. I haven't had a chance to check."

"OK, we can talk later tonight," he said and then he was gone.

So, of course I asked my friend if I could hijack her Mac to check email.

There it was.

His message.

Opening it, I needed to hold my breath until I scanned the text for phrases like, "stop this," or "no more," or "I wish you only the best."

It looked safe to read. He had written this heartfelt request that we move forward while remembering Allah and trusting in the plan which is best. It was positive.

So, had he prayed istakkarah? I mean...he didn't state it.

Last night, we got to talk in depth after my attempt for clarity. Yes, he had prayed istakkarah. Not once or twice but three times. He had an hour break in his work day, so he used it to go to the masjid and pray istakkarah that third time, then he read Quran.

Mashahallah!

I also had prayed istakkarah one more time.

And last night, we reaped the rewards of remembering Allah. The feelings are deeper, clearer, and sweeter. The teaching job in Egypt might be in question, but our feelings for each other are not.

This isn't the "crazy love" of my life before. There have not been any tears, or hysterics, or of hidden secrets spilling out and spoiling the proceedings. It feels calmer and safer. It feels like walking together; not like colliding in bumper cars.

Alhumdulillah.

May Allah guide us.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

asalaamu 'alaikum sis

How are u doing??

just read ur recent entry and im smiling like this

:: 'eeeeeeee' ::

May Allah grant you both what is good for both of you and may He accept your seeking His Help.

be happy sis and thank Allah and you'll get more ia.

take care of yourself

Bint Habeeb Ar Rahmaan

Jasmine said...

Why the need to pray Istikhara so many times?

ellen557 said...

I've got a massive smile on my face right now. Inshallah everything works out for you sister.