Thursday, April 23, 2009

Y



Asalamu Alaykom,






I'm downloading pics right now so you can see the subject of this posting.


Y

That is the subject.
Y?
Yes! Y!

It's funny.

I've been taking pictures of my pictures from years ago. Cute little girlie with golden curlies. Funny little dude holding up his thumb and grinning in every shot. Ya, my older kids and the life before. Me in my long, long hair---I had wanted to have that one single braid down my back ala' Bollywood heroines. There's the duplex which we lived in for eight months. There's the Montessori school where my girlie was enrolled. And then there's me in full stage make-up from theatre days. Me as a teen with very short hair sitting around in a swimsuit---like I would do either now.

Why?

Well, actually the posting was about "Y" not "why". But I'll answer.

Man! Life is a jumble of times and thoughts and places and people. I truly was meant to go through those times. Seeing those pictures, it absolutely amazes me where I've been. Why was I there? I was supposed to be. Couldn't be here now, if it wasn't for there then.

"Y" starts my name---my new name. Yes, it's my legal name. No, I no longer consider my birth name as being real for me. Real is NOW. And real is Yosra.

When we were living with my mom last fall it was real hard. Sometimes "now" can be that way. We needed to leave and so I made plans to just leave and the only place I could think of was Egypt. Returning to Egypt has always been a dream. I made the plans to make it into a reality. I bought the tickets. And nothing is more real than spending $1,500.

The next day I was offered the job here. Why? I asked God that a lot. Why have me spend the money when a job here was coming the next day? So, I didn't have the money for first and last month's rent and had to borrow it from my mom. I didn't have money for a car and had to walk until one became available.

Then, my lovely friend's daughter passed away in the blink of an eye and my friend needed me and I was able to fly away. Jobless and penniless but with a $1,500 airline credit, I could fly. I did. I know it was right to go. Those 10 days were incredibly meaningful to me.

And now? There is a job offer in Egypt which won't pay my full airfare over and won't pay any for Mr. Boo. If I still had all that airline credit, I could just zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom over there. For some reason, I'm not supposed to.

Why?

I don't know.

But I feel like I'm supposed to be here a little longer. I'm supposed to move back to my mom's. The day I started moving back felt strange. There was AbuBoo loading boxes again. It is the third time he's moved us. Would have been simpler to just stay married to me! But there he was. Moving. Us. Again.

We didn't grab everything. I am still in my own place with my own vibe. I'll miss having that and I KNOW it will spur me on to move once again---and maybe it will be to Egypt, inshahallah.

That day, there was something that I was sad about losing. Somewhere in the move from mom's to here I had lost my "Y". Those alphabet magnets I loved so much had every letter except mine. "Y" was lost. My son couldn't spell "Yosra". I felt a bit like I was lost too; lost in transition.

Back in October, I had checked all over my mom's house for that "Y" and never found it. And honestly (I kid you not) with all that's in my head about money, bills, moving, jobs, documents...I still was wondering if I could send away to VTech for that missing "Y".

As it turns out, there was no need.
This week, after the first load was re-deposited in mom's spare bedroom, I was surprised. Mom called Mr. Boo to her in the kitchen and told him to give something to me. He ran to me.

"LOOK, MOMMY! THE Y!"

Yes, on the day I started moving back. That Y had shown up in mom's rakings. It hadn't been in her house. It had fallen into the leaves outside the kitchen door. It was dirty in the crevices and a little more worn than her brothers and sisters. But she was back. She was no longer lost.

Maybe she never was lost. Maybe she just needed that time to be there.

3 comments:

Shabana said...

wow, this was a really cool post. It's good that you are letting things fall into place rather than forcing or rushing into anything. If going to Egypt is something that is good for you, than Allah would make it easy for you. Maybe right now is still not the best time. Allah knows best. *hugs*

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Shabana,

I can't believe I never thanked you for reading and commenting. I just re-read this post and it felt good to see these words again.

Yes, "falling into place" is what has happened. Or, as I like to say, "unfold".

I know now that I couldn't stay at my mom's for very long. I know now that days into my stay, I took a housesitting gig from my friend in Florida who lost her daughter. I know that I had to go and experience some time in a place which (up until then) held some kind of hope. "If I had to pick somewhere to live in the U.S., I might chose Florida," was my thought at that time.

From this vantage point in Egypt, I can see that all doors had to be shut AND LOCKED in the U.S. for me to agree to come to Egypt. I needed to eliminate all back up plans.

The "Y" didn't make it to Egypt in the suitcases coming over. The whole magnet set is kind of heavy. However, the first chance I got to have more items sent over, I asked to have the letters come. "Y" is in Egypt.

Alhumdulillah :)

Shabana said...

Assalamualaikum Yosra!!

I don't know when I lost track of your blog, but somehow I managed to find my way back to it again (this is the second time I happened to find your blog again...subhanallah). But now you're in Egypt. I'm going back into your past posts to see what led you there. I hope you are doing well, insha Allah. :-)