Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In God We Trust


There is a moment when Prophet Ibrahim (pbuh) was placing his full trust in The Lord and raised the knife to slaughter his beloved son. His son was spared.

I have been placing my full trust in The Lord at various times throughout these last years. I would go down a path which I thought was the right direction---even if it meant sacrificing a significant part of my life or an integral part of my being. Often times, I was stopped and spared.

Now, I am at another crossroads. I can accept this idea to travel to Egypt and be that teacher overseas. It truly is a life’s dream many years in the making. I want to commit to it 100% before accepting. I'm almost there. I want to be ready for the sacrifices: my home, my belongings, my older children, my mother, and Mr. Boo’s father…my friends. Sure, there is the internet connection, which makes all of us tethered together no matter the distance, BUT there is still a loss.

I can’t have it all.

I don’t think I can have this security of people and places around me while really gaining true financial and emotional stability for me and my young son. I am making up my mind to leave. I have to go with God and place my trust in the unthinkable.

However, the truth is: I have always been alone in the world. I’ve told you how my mother is fond of saying, “You grew your own self up”. I did. I never had the home I wanted with the family I wanted.

It was sooooo near to coming true when I was pregnant with my little guy. He was going to be the cherry on the sundae. You know? He was the one thing we didn’t have. We had the home, the businesses, the cars, the jobs, the love and the faith. We just needed him. Once I was pregnant, it all came crashing down.

I have never had it all. Maybe none of us ever do. We are always asked to sacrifice.

So, now I am scared. I’ll ‘fess up. While I am willing to sacrifice, I am scared to hope right now. I need a time in my life when God doesn’t ask so much from me. I need a time when God is easy on me and doesn’t ask me to sacrifice and then spare me. That revving up and then crashing is just doing me in.

My prayers are that I can go to Egypt with my beautiful boy and make a good life for us there. I want to submit myself to this purpose. I want to make hijrah. I want to find that home and make it a place of peaceful simplicity and know that it was my making it happen with God's permission.
Ameen.

7 comments:

Jamaican Hijabi said...

Assalamu alaikum Sister Yosra,

My Duas are with you for a successful Hijrah for you and Mr. Boo, you may feel a little scared now but yes, put your trust in Allah and you will be ok. :-)

Hamed said...

Assalaamu 'alaykum

I've been reading your blog for a little while now--actually stumbled over it while searching about Surah Al-Inshirah. And, Alhamdulillah, I'm glad Allah intended for me to find it. Many of your posts have truly inspired me.

"And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him" (65:3).

Continue to have hope in Allah. No one knows what surprises await her in the future. There is a reminder from Allah in everything. I'm sure you have thought deeply about this decision. InshAllah whatever happens will be full of blessings for you and your son, and you will see the fruit of your sacrifices. I can see that after all you've been through, you appreciate the real worth of a family more than many others who take what they have for granted.

I know the desire to have a clean slate, but I can't imagine what it would be like to let go of so much for a chance at a better life. If you end up deciding to make your hijrah, stay safe.

Your life has been full of hardship, and I pray to Allah that whatever He has planned for you is nothing but ease in this life and that you get a reward in Jannah better than you can hope for. Ameen.

Lisa said...

I'm scared too as I face impending divorce and the uncertainty of whether I can survive on $2000 a month with an $800 rent and $500 Islamic school tuition.

And I'm hoenstly scared for you Yosra, and nervous to tell you that I'm scared.

Because like you, it has never been as easy fo me as it seems for some others.

But, then I think what else do we have left to lose. And is it enough to not dare to hope, and to not use that hope to realize our dreams?

And so I think you have to jump off that cliff into Egypt. It may feel like your going to do a big belly-flop, but then you'll come out of the water realizing it wasn't so bad. I love you and may Allah grant you your heart's desire my sister.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Jamaican,

I appreciate your du'a. Ameen. Ya, I need to really be clear about what I'm doing and why. Once I can go to Allah with that, then I've done my best and I can leave the rest.

Asalamu Alaykom Hamed,

OK, so you are a DUDE reading my blog??? Subhanallah! There aren't too many men who actually want to listen to my thoughts, so good for you.

Ya single?

No, no, no...I'm joking...kind of.

There used to be a lawyer in Chicago who read me back when I was "Honorary Arab". I was having trouble getting a Pakistani dude to get real with his marriage offer, so I used that reader (who was also Pakistani) as a kind of a wali to call him up and frisk him a bit. Lawyer dude freaked the hell out of the man and he dropped the idea of persuing me. Months later, I got an anonymous email telling me (and a whole flock of other chicks) that Pakistani dude was a scammer and a crook her took her money. Sigh...

Oh, but on to your comments!

Ya, I prayed for an exciting life and I got one. I now pray for it to settle down enough so I'm not insane---or more insane :)

Thanks for your du'a. I honestly need some right about NOW! And NOW! And NOW! Ya, keep them coming! :)

And keep reading. It's probably just you and Mr. Florida who mull over my words from a male perspective.

Although, I will question: ANY OTHER MALE READERS OUT THERE??? Ya single???

LOL! I'm joking....kind of.

OK...on to responding to a Muslimah, which I do better because I have yet to come on to a sister.

Asalamu Alaykom Lisa,

Man! Really? You are going for divorce? Think about a million times about it. It is NOT what I would ever recommend to anyone---even though I've done it three times.

I think one of the reasons life is scarier for you and me is that we are actually living. Those people who aren't scared are the ones not living any dreams. Let them feel comfortable. We don't feel the same BUT our sweet moments are sweeter, our loves deeper, and memories better :)

Keep going slowly through the tough times, even though you'd love to jump over them like leap frog. You will figure it out when you are supposed to. Keep halal (as much as you can and ask for forgiveness when you can't).

And keep in touch! Our lives, when lived together, will ease the burden each one of us would feel if we were dealing with it alone.

Kisses!

Oh, wait...just to clarify...that was NOT the come on ;)

Lisa said...

Yosra,

You are such an angel. I'll definitely keep in touch. You give me a lot of inspiration and I loved what you said about holding close to the halal as much as possible.

I feel pretty certain that divorce is where things are headed. But, I also am very sure that it's not a solution that will make everything better. Even from a distance, I see how much you are still affected by your exes.

And you know, let's both go slowly like you said. Sometimes Yosra, it seems like that means we might not ever have the big news to share with friends and relatives about the brand-new house, the perfect marriage, or the new baby. But, if there is even one person who will still give us a hug and ask about what's new in our lives, even if there isn't anything to discuss, it's all worth it. Like my seemingly perfect sister this weekend.

I am praying so much for you. I'm also moved that you are going slow and taking the advice of our blog sister's that way. Baby steps. Yosra, I feel so gifted to count you among my friends. Whenever I feel alone, I come here and feel everything you feel and more. love you!

Anonymous said...

If you make hijrah soley for Allah ONLY, then all your past sins will be forgiven inshallah

Anonymous said...

wow I need a lot of time to catch up here and when baby sleeps I will fill you in on schools in Egypt..Im glad I found your blog again!!

annonegy