Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Story of My Life

Ever thought of the title for your story? I'm talking about your life story. What would that be?

When I was grieving for my dead friend Robin, I knew that her life, which ended at 42, was not what I wanted. I wanted to live. It thought about what I needed. I needed a life. I needed to jump start my life. I thought about one of my favorite movies, "The Year of Living Dangerously."
I started to take risks. You can't explore your life or your faith without taking risks. So, I walked on new paths, I signed up for dance classes, and I talked to strangers in ethnic markets. I made great friends and began to live again.
For a while, I thought that would be enough and staying married, as I had promised, would be a compromise. I could really live apart from him while still being married to him. It grew more unsettling.
I went to go see my father and his live-in girlfriend. She was the only woman who has loved my father AND loved me. She had already been through cancer therapy and it was in remission. This beautiful lady told me, "Why say that you are in, 'The Year of Living Dangerously'? Why not just be in The Year of Living?"
I took her words to heart and settled my sh*t down. That calming in my life took months and would ebb and flo. Sometimes, I would live one and sometimes the other. I always realized how dangerous life could be and that eventually got me to be more careful with the life I had.

When I left my kids' dad and went out on my own, I grew tired of saying, "I'm separated." It felt so weird to say that I, personally, was less somehow; reduced and split. I felt better than I had in years. So, one time, while I was trying to put those deep thoughts into words, I said, "I'm separated but whole."

Ooooh! Yes! That was was I meant. It was sooooo deeep. But after saying it to myself a few times, I realized that it actually sounded like, "separated butthole". I cracked up so bad! Ya, there I was trying to be profound and actually I was a total doofus.

I decided then if I ever wrote a book about my escapades of my single days that I would indeed call it, "Separated Butthole."

Time moved on, and I met Mr. Boo's dad. When I was getting ready to fly to Egypt to see him again, I decided on a new book in the saga. Title? "It's Been a Long Journey and I Haven't Even Gotten on the Plane."
It was the story of going to Islam and feeling the blessings come after hardship. It was going to Egypt and having the marriage and the honeymoon and the happy ending. That was 2002.
Even with coming back and being discriminated against and being fired, I still felt the happy ending with my man. I felt that for three and half years of marriage. In March, 2004, I was told three days after my lawsuit settled that he wanted, "to return," his ex whom he had divorced three times already. This was not just a new chapter, it was a new book.

When I was so stuck in stressed out sadness from being a woman with the polygyny secret, I decided that I was, "Honorary Arab." That incarnation of me who wrote the first blog. I thought I might publish all those angst-riddled rants. The response from the literary agent? Not funny enough! LOL! Like I was trying to create, "POLYGYNY! THE MUSICAL!"
It's funny, I don't think I've been creating book titles lately. Have I? Maybe I did, but I just didn't remember. Or, maybe I've still been writing and living out "Honorary Arab."

But lately, a new title came to my mind. "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing in a Life Like This?" Ya, that's the book I'm creating now. It reminds me that I really am deserving of better. To image it; see it as real, and then live accordingly.

Oh, I should mention that my dad's live-in girlfriend later died of cancer. She was a treasure! Her life energy was so healing for me. May Allah forgive her sins and grant her paradise. Once again, another death reminded me to live.


Decide on your book's title and live.


Faith Confusion said...

I loved this post. I had no idea you'd gone through so much... but you still have to read my book!! You said you won't but it's not like your story at all. it's got the same main parts but it's very different to your story.

Thanks again for the encouragement to live. I just read something on another blog, and she was saying to be joyful in hope. Hooray!! Hope for the best and be joyful.

I hope you find the man you're looking for one day soon... do you mind me asking how old you are? i'm 28, btw.

Br00ke said...

It used to be "Crazy, Desperate and Other Words I Want Removed From the Dictionary"--but now, I gotta think about that...
Love and Peace

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Faith Confu,

Ya, I'm a big ol' 40. FOOOOOORTY. Forty. Four-Zero. Dang!

They just said on TV a quote from Normal Vincent Peal, "Live your life and forget your age."

OK, I will! We will!

Still not sure if I could ever read a P book without throwing up. Please don't take it personally :)

Thanks for bringing your donkey along for the ride.

Asalamu Alaykom Brooke,

Really? Think about it and return and tell :)

Faith Confusion said...

Are you kidding me?? Forty?? I would have guessed thirty at most. Your pic is that of a girl (ok, your eye!)
You have put me in shock.

Well then if you won't read about "p" then you can definitely read my books -the first 2 anyway.
lol :)

Love your stuff. Keep on posting.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Faith Confu,

Oh, girl! I might have the eye of a thirty-year-old but I have the body of a mom of three kids.

Well, I suppose that depends on who you ask.

Honestly, I am told that I look years younger than 40. I looked more like 40 when I was 30.

OK, I'll make a deal with you: sign a copy of your P book to me and send it. I'll read it! I still might feel violently ill... but not from your prose! The whole thing just gives me the heebi jeebies.

But, FOR YOU? Anything :)

Solace In Islam said...

My book would be called the same as my blog - my life as a Muslim. Deciding to become a muslim was a defining moment and the consequences of that decision I am still dealing with today.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Solace,

Fair enough! "Solace in Islam," is a great name.

Maybe I have been trying to living "After Hardship There is Ease". And...maybe I forget that that title of my blog is on a loop. It keeps being true again and again (meaning there is a lot of hardship in addition to a lot of ease).

Come back again, Solace! I'm headed over to your blog now...

Lisa said...

Assalamu Alaykum Yosra,

I can't wait until the title changes again to "Happiest Honorary Arab Wife in the World."

Your father's girlfriend sounds like she was absolutely wonderful. In many ways, her voice was really Allah's giving you a promise by allowing you to accept his as your God.

What a thoughtful girl you are Yosra. And what a brave one. I was shocked that Abu Boo had divorced his wife three times already.

I love you so much. Call or email me anytime.

Brooke said...

This morning I woke up and thought my title should be "The Ornery Muslimah" lol!
You know, I have thrown myself back into school with the hope/prayer that Saudi will be my final earthly destination, inshallah, though there are other places I wouldn't mind living as well. So, I am very biased, but I am also married and have a few males under my roof, so my circumstances are quite different. Have you joined any hijra groups? There are several on yahoo and there is this one on google -- hijrah to medinah.
Love and Peace