Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Biggest Love

I've been in love. It has been a fatal attraction that has almost consumed me. Everytime I would think of that love, I'd get a rush of adrenaline; like an addiction. Yes, I was hooked...until last night.

I wriggled free from that addiction last night. I pulled my profiles down off of two Muslim matrimonial sites. I am no longer waiting for the worm.

This may seem like something small to you, but I know how big it is to me. I've been in and out of this addiction for the better part of two years. The only break I took was when I was committed to Mr. Florida. Unfortunately that was too short time. When we were done, I was back on.

Why would I go back to the same place where I had located trouble before? I guess I wanted to prove that the issues were all about HIM and not about that site, or the concept, or about Muslim men in general.
Truth is that I was looking at a very specific social group.

I talked to my friend, The Sociologist, previously about my experiences on the sites. The Sociologist said that I was looking at a sub-group of society (Muslim men looking for marriage) and within that subgroup a specialized group (internet searchers).

Using the internet creates liars of us all. We don't mean to, but we manage to only show our best. We show the facade and hope that we don't need to really show behind the mask.
Those without pictures? Avoid.

Why? I saw many gorgeous men who did not post pictures. It isn't about their looks. It's about their concept of themselves. They don't want to admit who they are and they don't really want you to get to know them either. They will lie to you because they are lying to themselves.

Those with pictures? Even they are unable to fully connect either to you or to God. Why? They are removed from real life. They are pretending their way through. All the talk, talk, talk, and no action. Do you know how many men think they fell in love with me over the internet? I would occasionally feel the same.
Infact, in some ways, the many many internet relationships that never panned out have hurt me as much or more than the failed marriages. Why? Because I truly believed that my hope for halal would pan out. I would be rewarded for being good.

OK, I was stupid some times. I talked to men that were not good for me other than an ego boost. The problem with boosting your ego on falsehood is that it crashes.

I've suffered a lot of crashes over these two years. I need to stop suffering. I looked at it. Two years of hardship. Was any of it my own doing? Sure! And the constant throughout those years was being on the matrimonial sites. I am, inshahallah, going to live life without that danger any more.

I have hidden my profile before. This isn't what I'm doing now. I deleted all my accepted contacts. For everyone of those names, I really looked at the truth: I was not right for them and they were not right for me. I got rid of most of my yahoo and all of my msn contacts.

I've done this before. I have. I always did it because I was talking marriage with a man. This is the first time that I've done it for me and known that I'm never coming back inshahallah.

I am telling you that the Muslim matrimonial sites did not work for me. Thousands of hits. Lots of interest and proposals. There were many good looking, well-educated, employed, interesting, funny, Muslim men from all over the world and I am still single.

I am walking away from this big love; maybe my biggest love. It has brought me highs and lows and I need the ease in between. May Allah protect me from my worst enemy (myself) as I pull the plug and go back into the real world of truth and goodness.


Lisa said...

You are one of the very few who never hides behind the facade of the Internet Yosra. And you truly deserve someone who does the same.

I am so proud of you. Though it's hard to admit, indeed we are our own worst enemies. In my heart Yosra, I truly, truly believe that both of us have to use a good wali the next time. We do. You know Aalia's husband (Chasing Jannah) in Abu Dhabi would be such a good guide to you.

I am really glad you are taking this step. You really don't want to end up with a man whose alrady married and I feared that for you.

But, also if you do return to te sites, I will be right here for you dear. May Allah guide you towards you're best life. Ameen.

Love you!

Shabana said...

making dua for you! *hugs*