Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Was Rescued

He and I were introduced by a family who knew each one of us.

We met only in public.

We kept all talk and actions halal.

I helped him and he helped me.

We prayed istakkarah.

We knew each other three weeks before he said, "Inshahallah, we will marry."

Per his request, I called the sheik and asked when would be a good day to come in for a Shari'ah, or Islamic, marriage.

It had gone so far.
It is very hard for me to fathom how something, which had a foundation of goodness, could crumble so quickly and completely.

I had been praying on time, fasting, reading Quran, and both listening and memorizing Quran. I wanted to be good. I asked God's forgiveness for any bad. I pleaded with God to give me the good. I changed my phone number. I eliminated my yahoo account. My profile was down from any matrimonial site.

So, on a day when the sun isn't shining, I have to remember that the source of light is still there. I do not have a fiance. I do not. And I have to say, "Alhumdulillah," and realize that if this is what Allah has planned for me, then it is for the best.
The best, in my mind, was to get married to a tall, dark, handsome man of faith, who had a degree, a career, a home and ...it wasn't the best. It was not best for me. My mind is not as expansive as it would need to be to really see what is best. I have to surrender those wants and let Allah give me what I need. I must not have needed this man as a husband. I prayed for the best and Allah decided that he was not.

Each hopeful cell in my body has to release him and I don't feel like I'm totally detoxified from our time of talking and laughing together. All those times when we came to a point of realized silence and just looked deep into each others' eyes...

Even when I walk with Mr. Boo up our apartment sidewalk, I think of him playing with my son in the snow. The snow has melted.

That man simply could not love me.

You know how some people are blind? They really can't see. You can't make them see. If you stayed with them, hoping they would eventually see, well that would be super stupid. He could not love me and was never going to be able to love me. Sure, he felt my love. Yes, he never felt like this before, but...No, he didn't love me.

Love isn't filled with accusations and suspicions. I've never had a man suspect me of worse actions. Subhanallah! This man was so good! Somehow, however, his mind was filled with so much bad.

Alhumdulillah, I found out before marriage. Really. It would have been a hell. Allah rescued me from a terrible fate. I would have willingly entered into a hell, but Allah saved me. There must be better for me ahead, inshahallah.


egyptchick7 said...

Too much unnecessary drama! Let go of the need of being married...I think Allah is telling you, not that he isn't the one, but that your focus should be somewhere else right now...

Anyway...on to great news...I am going to Egypt!!! May 4th...too excited...seeing siblings for first time 8 years! Got the ticket hella cheap too!

Colleen said...

Asalaam Alakium Yosra
I have been reading your blog for quite some time. I love the way you write. You and I have the same things in life: Having Egyptian husband (I am in the process of divorce), having a young son, striving to be a good muslimah and having a simple but good life. So I understand a lot of where you are coming from.

I was thinking about a lot of what you wrote and thought that if you really do think that Allah will provide you with the person you are suppose to be with (which I agree--Allah has a plan for all of us), the why not just let things be just how they are right now? I understand that you do want to marry again and that's great. But I just don't understand this jumping from relationship to relationship, hoping that this or that person is the one? Why not take things slow and really finding out who he is before marriage? I understand the no dating in Islam. But you can meet him in public places...having someone with you...and that way it is halal. But take things slow. Especially since you have a very young son.

I also wanted to make a comment about the marriage website that you subscribed to. This is just my opinion on it, but I really feel that most of these places are not very halal. Most of these guys are wackos and wanting that greencard. It's not a great way to meet that someone you are suppose to be with, especially ones that you have to pay for. If Allah wants you to be with someone, I don't think you should have to pay for it to happen. Why not get back to basics? Word of mouth or going to Islamic functions and lectures at the local masjids.

Please don't think I am bashing you. I am not. I have been there before as well and have learned from my mistakes. But just giving you a different point of view.

Insha'Allah I do hope all the best for you. I will keep you in my dua's sister. And please don't give up. Keep praying and asking Allah. What you want might not come today, but it will. Allah knows best.


Jamaican Hijabi said...

Assalamu alaikum dear Sister, I feel the pain in your post as if it was my own, I have been there, and been Rescued by Allah, Alhamdullilah. Allah Subhana wa ta'ala is so merciful, He opens up our eyes to the truth when we are blinded by 'love', Alhamdullilah.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom EgyptChick,

First of all, I am so happy for you! Yay that you are returning "home". You need that re-connect in order to go to the next level. We all need that. I've been doing it here (luckily for me this IS where my roots are).

In some ways, I do think that I need to go to Egypt too. I've thought that for a while.

Now, as for your comments--I can always count on you! No sugar-coatin' the deal!

You know what? I entered into this match because it felt so nicely normal and the complete opposite of drama. I should have baled the first time he hesitated. Lesson learned. He who hesitates is lost.

My focus, by the way, is keeping Mr. Boo and me afloat. I'm keeping it real that we need to survive. I don't talk about all my applications going out, but that is happening too, believe me.

Thanks, as always, for being my sista.

Asalamu Alaykom Colleen,

Well, here you are, sneaky! I had no idea you were reading me! What a trip! Thanks for being here silently before and vocally now.

Divorce from an Egyptian? Man! That deserves a special Girl Scout badge, in my opinion. Really hurts, don't it? The love was deeper, right? And the hurt is too. Those dang Egyptian dramas! They have role modeled to a whole generation of husbands and wives how to be magnoon beeki (crazy for you).

I think your advice is sound. It might not be all the right advice for me, but, in general, you do make good points.

I agree with you that "word of mouth" and "meeting at the majid" in real-life settings would be nicer BUT in reality it ain't workin' for me! This man came highly recommended to me through my friends' father at the masjid. What more could I ask for?

Maybe what hurts me the most is that I entered into this possibility with the feeling of "YIPPEE! I'm going to do it RIGHT and it's going to WORK!" And then, it didn't work. It actually became as ugly as any internet deal ever was.

The internet...the match-making matrimonial sites...ya, I know. It's my little addiction. When I can sit in my apartment and get 350 hits from all around the world on a Sunday afternoon? Well, I'm in! I'm not hooked like I used to be (haven't married anybody off of it lately) but I do know that it is indeed a heady experience. It is also often a fantasy instead of a reality. I'm older and wiser now (40 years in total...40 1/2 years) so I do things differently now and don't fall in love at the drop of a hat(or of a hejab).

I know you're not bashing me. I hear your sweet concern. Thanks for reading and for writing. May we all take all the good from your comments and leave any bad.

Now that you are "out" please don't go back in.

Asalamau Alaykom Jamaican,

Thanks for writing. You feel me and I appreciate that. Please continue commenting with your kind heart.

Umm Omar said...

I know that looking for marriage can be consuming. Insha'Allah, it will come. May Allah give you someone even better than what you hope for.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom UmmOmar,

"Consuming" is a good word choice. And I feel a bit too much like the consumable instead of the consumer today. Time to balance it out.

Inshahallah, life will deliever to me what I need.

Thanks for continuing to write kindness throughout your words.

Shabana said...

salams yosra, i'm sorry things didn't work out the way you were hoping. I have to say that I agree with Egyptchick7 and Colleen about just letting it go and let things fall into the place. I have a friend who found herself divorced with two young children (one of them autistic) and no source of income. She took everyone's suggestions and still no job. And finally, after yet another dead end, she just let it go. Left it completely up to Allah, praying that He would provide a way for her to support her children and herself. And subhanallah, within 2-3 days after that, a job opportunity came about that hadn't even occurred to her. Then, within a couple of years after that, an unexpected marriage proposal again fell into her lap and she has been happily married for a year now with a new baby.

So, insha Allah, you will find someone when you least expect it. Leave it in Allah's hands. He has provided for you and delivered you from so many bad situations. With every hardship there is ease, and an opportunity for earning rewards. I really really admire how you have been holding so fast to your faith through everything and then are able to so eloquently express yourself in creative ways through your blog. May Allah reward you. I am making dua for you, insha Allah.

Colleen said...

Walakium Salaams Yosra,

LOL yes I am a little sneaky, but not really my fault. Most of the time, I like to sit back and read what others say, trying to find the balance of it all. And other times I have no time (aka my son). But do know that you are the first blog I come to when I have a free moment.

LOL yes I think we all need that special badge. It's been a never ending roller coaster and it's finally starting to end. Alhumdulilah! Yeah, it does hurt, and oh yeah, the love was deeper. But looking back on it, I don't reget it. And if I had to do it over again, I would. Cause I have a great kid out of it and that in itself is why I probably tried harder than I have done with anyone. It totally changes when you have a child. You strive more. You do "more". But then you finally come to terms with the realization that enough is enough. Time to pull on those big girl pants and do what you know can be heartbreaking and can almost destroy you, but at the same time, you become stronger and in the long run, a better person.

I totally hear you on how meeting at the masjid and word of mouth might not happen with you. I think in this society, we turn to technology than anything to find that certain someone. And I think on one hand, it is a good thing with meeting more people, but on the other hand, it hides so much as well. Getting to know someone online can be such a risky thing on so many levels. Well, don't let one encounter like this deter you away from asking people again about any eligable brothers. This guy just wasn't the one. But try not to get your hopes up on a guy. I know sometimes that is hard to do and I really know how that is sometimes cause I did it myself...many many moons ago lol...but he is just a guy.

Gosh I can remember back in the day when there was just a few Islamic match-making websites. But now its unreal on how many of them are out there. And yes I do know on how addicting it can be lol. How it's a rush to see so many hits that you can't help yourself but feel really good that someone is checking you out. But with age comes a sense of what we really want in a person verses what we were looking for when we were in our 20's. We become more practical. And putting our priorities of what we want in perspective becomes clearer.

Thank you for hearing my concern. You have been hurt and just didn't want you to go down that same road again.

:) lol no I won't go away again. I am out and staying out . And same goes for you too!!! LOL ;)

Salaams sis!!!

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Shabana & Colleen,

It's absolutely incredible to me how great the sisterhood is! You two are really terrific to send me such peace in your words.

Thank you.

May Allah reward you :)

Now, if we could only get the brothers to shape up!

Colleen said...

Walakium Salaams Yosra
:) No thanks is needed. Just glad I could be of some help. I love this kind of sisterhood too. I missed this so much!!!

As for the brothers, that is a task in itself. lol :)


M. du Tapis said...

Alhamdulillah! It is good that Allah prevented you from this fate.

I highly recommend you take a course on marriage in Islam. If you are in North America, try Fiqh of Love with AlMaghrib and wherever you are, you can also try the SunniPath course on marriage, which is, alhamdulillah, marvelous (I know from experience). It can be found here:


Faith Confusion said...

It is encouraging to read of your assurance that there is something better out there for you. I try to consol myself that in my situation there is much good. The bad is almost unbearable at times but then we do get through those times. Perhaps this is what God wants for me afterall.
I have asked many times if this is meant for me, and every time God seems to say yes, and he made it very easy for us to be together, despite the distance we lived apart across the world. I made dua to ask if we were meant to be together to make it easy for us and if we are not then take him away. And just before that I had done the same about another man and, thanks to God, he had taken him away from him. After the weekend we were supposed to be married I learned that he was already married and that I was to be his second wife. I am forever grateful that I was saved from that fate, as I had not been aware of his prior marriage at all at the time. Thanks to God that he got annoyed with me and called off the marriage that very day.
You've given me some food for thought with your post..