Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas. Clean.

I am feelin’ mighty clean. Alhumdullah! Baby and I bathed in our new tub over at the apartment. You know, when you are looking for a place to live, you look at price, location and then the room sizes and condition of the walls and such. You don’t really spend time looking at the bathtub. But oh! What a pleasure it is to have a full-size tub--no scrunching your knees up in order to fit. I could stretch out in splendiferous relaxation. The water pressure too! Did I forget to tell you about that? It’s so powerful over here! Wowzers! The tub filled with really hot water in no time. And baby and I, along with our multi-colored plastic dolphin friends, finally eased into our new life.

It hasn’t been easy, but then we all knew that. This move is really taking a lot out of me. It’s the constant back-and-forth between the old place and the new. It’s packing up and then discovering a paper copy of an email I was sent while he was in Egypt the second time. Of course, it wasn’t the third time, as he completely forgot about me the third trip. Astragferallah. I was “Habibi” the second trip and “Dumb-ass” the third.

Still, after I cleaned up our bedroom, I sat down in the hallway, nursing the baby who was conceived within those walls and I cried. Hold on…I might just cry now writing about it. Bear with me. I can so vividly picture the passion and there was so much of it that we shared. I really have never experienced intimacy like that ever before. It was the best. He never stopped saying that it was the best. Even now, he would have to admit…and so would I.

But, it was so much more that took place in our private sanctum. It was waking up slowly and opening our eyes to a new day with an old love. The tenderness of those morning gazes was simply to die for. I know I experienced something that not everyone gets to and I do thank God for those times of complete, complete love. It ended badly-- right, I know. But, it was so good for so many years.

Dancing together to something on the radio and catching our reflection in the mirror and having to stop and look at how cute we were together. And him kissing my neck while watching my reaction. I loved it. I loved him. I loved us.

And when the baby came into our lives, I got my wish fulfilled. I got to sleep between my greatest loves; my husband and my son. And I got to feel that I was so very blessed for being exactly where I was. How often do you feel like that in life? Some people never do, but I felt it. I knew where I was in the world. I was in a sweet moment. I remembered only those moments as I sat on the hallway floor.

The court case in Egypt has been decided. He is now allowed to marry her two more times. Not just once, but twice more. He tells me that they are not married now because he wants for the divorce between us to be done before he marries her. That’s not for any moral reason, but rather so the U.S. government doesn’t question the timing as he tries to get her over here.
How do I feel? I feel glad that I tried once more to do what was best for the baby by asking if there was anyway we could remain married. And I’m glad I got that question out before the ruling. I’m really so very glad that I learned how impossible it had become to stay together in anyway whatsoever.

Do I wish them well? No. No, I don’t. But, I don’t also wish them ill. I don’t wish them a thing. Their highest wish was for this reuniting to take place and they got their wish no matter what the consequences to anyone else. Wishes can be powerful things. But, I want more in this life than a man--especially a man who can’t be a good man.

So, I’m going to focus on me and my roommate. He’s a great roommate. I love him a lot. And inshahallah, we are going to keep clean, as a clean life is better than what we have had.

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