Saturday, January 24, 2009

Killing My Ego




He knows what is in the hearts of humans, and nevertheless, in His unfathomable wisdom, allows the darkness of oppression to grow at the expense of the light of freedom, and then causes the light to overcome the darness: an eternal cyclical recurrence which dominates the life of humankind.
Al-Hajj 76
The truth of The Holy Quran is so simple.
Following the truth of The Holy Quran can sometimes be hard.
We want.
We want things and people that we don't need.
That's our ego; our sense of the self which is different and consquently better than everyone else. It is our disconnect from the whole. It is the part of us which gets tempted and which causes fitnah.
Today, I am going to kill my ego.
I am not living for myself or even for my young son, or my older kids. I am not living for my parents, or my friends, or my co-workers. I for sure am not living for any man (as that's a sure road to dispair).
I am not living for acceptance by others. If the entire world loved me but I was not accepted by Allah, then I would still be worthless. The days of junior high school popularity contests are done. I am who I am. I am not the best. I am not the worst. I am a striving servant of Allah.
There are others who serve Allah and they are letting me down because I put my trust in them. Others will always let me down. I am a fool to think that people around me won't make mistakes simply because they have a label of, "Muslim." Islam is perfect; Muslims are imperfect. I know this but I choose to forget it so I can continue to live on this earthly plain, instead of thinking higher.
Allah knows. Allah knows what is troubling my mind. Allah knows my pain. I told a few people yesterday but they will never know like Allah knows. So why bother them so much? Let it go. My life is what it is. Inshahallah, everything will work out. It will work out with wondering, but not with worry.
And it will work out with me being smart and sacrificing now in order to get what I want later. Being smart means staying put and putting up. Runing away means that I get to protect my ego while giving up the blessings Allah has in store for me if I continue to work for Him. Running to something or someone on this earth takes me further away from Him. Getting back to Him becomes harder than if I simply stayed put.
Yes, there are times I have run and there are times I have traveled. The signs from Allah pointed to this last night. I want to be a traveler in this life-long journey. I do not want to be a runner who has no home and no true destination.
I put my faith with Allah. May Allah accept me, forgive me, and bless me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Dear Yosra, all I can say is Allah loves you alot, I can see that just being a witness to the little part of you that you share with us. Please be good to yourself, all we have in this world is Allah and ourselves

Yosra said...

Dear A Nonymous,

I really appreciate you being a witness. Thank you.

egyptchick7 said...

I read "slough" thinking NOOOOOOOO!!! Egypt???? Again in her thoughts? NOOOOOO!!!!

But then I read this and breathed a great big sigh of relief. For real, your answer is NOT in Egypt. What's in Egypt? A man? Didn't we move on from this ( I feel like IM your shrink, lol). After living with your mom for all those months you got what you wanted! Financial independence. Do you know how lucky you are to be one of the minority ( lol) in the US that is actually employed and then throw it all away to go to Egypt to fulfill some lofty love dream? Kepp your head on earth and also in Sujud.

You should be living for 3 things: Children, allah and yourself. Whichever one you give most priority to is up to you.

I wuv you ;)

Again another link as to why you should NOT marry an Egyptian:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIVCpzSQTPc

Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

all egyptians are not weirdos.

the problem is that w/ converts, many 'men' think they can do whatever and get away with it, cuz most converts dont have a solid backing like 'born muslims' do w/ their families and stuff. and many converts dont have reliable walis either.

this is the truth i think after reading so many blogs of the same story over and over: convert sister married to arab guy. wali? nope or non existant.

i think maybe what u need more than a man is a wali.

just a thought. maybe yuv already tried. im not sure. but its worth thinking about if u havent thought about it.

p.s. im married to an egyptian. and sometimes i wonder, what is it about egyptian men that american women are so drawn to them?