Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Crying Buckets


Haven't written one of these posts in awhile. Don't really like them. You probably don't like reading them.

I'm in this really sad place in which only Allah knows the depths of my pain. I can talk about it to all of you, but it isn't ever going to illuminate my truth.

Or, if I ever did share adequately enough, I might get ripped apart for what I shared; or what I cared about.
I had just finished listening to the latest and greatest telling me that he might not be attracted to me. It's because I don't wear a alot (read: hardly any) make-up and my clothes aren't flashy (read: modest).

I could cope.

I mean, he says he has a great connection with me. I know we do.

But, I also know that I've had great connections broken time and again.

Then, the pre-arranged visit from AbuBoo starts up. I throw on my hejab and answer the door.

I can handle it. He's here to see his son; not me.

He had, however, told me that he was hungry; he hadn't eaten all day. I know. He does that. I had offered to make him some food when he got here. I did. I did for him.
Then, he announced, "It's my birthday."

I was shocked. Every year since 2002, I have celebrated this man's birthday. That's seven years. I remembered it; honored it; gave to him.
This year? I totally forgot; not just a little, but completely.
I went back into the kitchen and whipped up a dessert of a leftover crepe filled with chocolate pudding and topped with sliced banana. Mr. Boo brought it out and we sang, "Happy Birthday."

Then, in the kitchen, it hit. The enormity of love, life, family, wishes, failure, fear, and hope. I started with just tears running down my face, and ended up walking to the bedroom to lie down in the dark and sob into the covers.

I keep feeling that I'm a joke. I'm living a joke.

How could AbuBoo end up here tonight? He wasn't supposed to! He was supposed to come last night, but I had plans with the latest and greatest (along with his kid). I changed around everything. When I changed it, we ended up celebrating AbuBoo's birthday together.


Lordy, I am tired of these little jokes, which add up to the biggest joke of all.

You know...the first birthday I ever celebrated with X2, he cooked a big fish dinner for me. I got off work and there was a scrumptious dinner waiting for me. I was so happy. I was. I was happy. I believed that life was good. Maybe it was. In that moment.

Just like all the moments last night were good: the kids playing together, us playing with the kids, us laughing A LOT, hearing grace over the food (and hearing the thoughtful edit at the end), eating together, sharing together, and just being loving and normal like a family should be...should be...should be...


May Allah forgive my sadness while I have all I need and yet complain. May Allah relieve the pain and suffering of others who are worse off than me. May I calm my mind and my heart and focus my love on Allah.


egyptchick7 said...

It sucks to live through disappointment after disappointment in love. But you really shouldn't be actively seeking it. It will come when you least expect it. It will.

It must be really freeing to forget AbuBoo's bday. I remember when i recalled to have forgot (lol) my ex's bday. It felt like, "cool, I am not attached to him as before".

Seriously, you should be extremely happy you are out of three sad marriages and have three beautiful, healthy children AND you have a job! Subhanallah in this economic climate.

How could this guy complain about modest clothes and no makeup? Bizarre.

brookeakaummbadier said...

>How could this guy complain about modest clothes and no makeup? Bizarre.
Ditto. I KNOW you don't need make up. Subhanallah, I see my classmates come in one day with make up and they look so good and then the next without and though look sick--like, been puking sick! But actually, they don't look bad without make-up, they just no longer look anywhere near as good. Alhumdiallah, I'm glad not to be on that train--don't buy that ticket sis ;)
My mood is "affected" tonight, I have great empathy for you. ~Squish

hijabee said...

May Allah ease your pain. We all go through times like this, but you know what, it always makes you stronger!

Journey said...

Oh Yosra... Ameen to your du'a. May Allah continue strengthening you and may wonderful, peaceful moments be just around the corner.

Could the comments on the makeup and clothes have come from his friends who met you? Sometimes the hijab and modest clothing take people out of their comfort zone.

dramamama said...

Hugs and kisses to you, my dear sis.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom EgyptChick,

I do seek out happiness...that's true. But I'm fine with being a seeker. That's my role in life. It means more happiness AND more hurt.

I was hurt last night by honesty and by reality. Neither of which scare me as much as falsehoods and the surreal.

Asalamu Alaykom Brooke,

I think I've got to stop going after photographers! All guys are visual, but these guys are the creme de la creme of visual devourers.

But thanks for saying I don't need make-up. You've actually seen my pics, right?

Asalamu Alaykom Hijabee,

Nice to see you here. Thanks for the verbal hug. Ya, it will make me stronger, but I would enjoy being a little weaker and a little happier right now.

Asalamu Alaykom Journey,

I think his friends didn't care. They just were people. I think it's him. He likes the artifice he's used to. Society spent 43 years conditioning him to this way of thinking. I'm not going to change his mind overnight.

Asalamu Alaykom Dramamama,

Thanks for the hugs and kisses, even if I have to be getting platonic ones ;)

Shabana said...

subhanallah, yosra. may Allah continue to strengthen you with every hardship, both perceived and actual. someone had told me, and i don't know if it's based in actual hadith or quran, but what makes a situation a test vs a punishment is whether we handle it with patience or not. if we look at it that way, then we have much more power over our situations, because then it is completely up to us how our deed is recorded for us.. i think that the ones who Allah tests are the ones who He loves the best. Keep being patient, dear sister. no sadness, disappointment, or injustice is ever for nothing. one day, insha Allah, this life will be like a weird far-away dream and we will be living a life with more happiness and contentment than we can ever imagine. keep your eye on the prize, insha Allah. and may Allah help us all focus on our blessings as others are being tested in ways we should never be tested. Ameen.

brookeakaummbadier said...

Yep, speaking of that which I KNOW-- I seen a pic ;)

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Shabana,

Your comment is choice. Thanks for sharing your kindness. May Allah reward you and all the commentators who took time to care. I really do appreciate the thoughts.

Asalamu Alaykom Brooke,

OH,ya! You did! OK, then you know I'm not a hideous troll...I'm actually an attractive troll ;)