Saturday, January 31, 2009

Common Ground

So often we

...ok, so often, I stop the flow. I start visualizing how things would work if only the other person would understand me, or comply with my wishes.

When I put up those road blocks, the movement ends. We are at a standstill without any possibilty of resolution.

How to continue?

Take a break.

Stop talking.

Stop trying to make my marvelous point. Maybe it isn't that marvelous, because the other person doesn't agree.

Then I ask myself, "What if?" I mean...what if the other person were right? How could that actually work out?

After that, the cure for my mental immovability is to do a chore. I zone out while doing dishes, or laundry and the thoughts flow again.

And truly? The way I want it for myself isn't often best for everyone. There is a common ground always and if all of us strive to reach it, we might just find out that we were joined by someone else wanting the common ground as well.


Make some du'a, gang.


Shabana said...

I really like your thoughts in this post. You said everything perfectly. Realizing that you are not always be right is a sign of maturity.

egyptchick7 said...

Egyptian/arab men are hardly ever looking for YOUR best interest or for compromise.Compromise is not in their vocab. This common ground he is seeking is called "changing you to fit his needs" and if you let him, you will lose yourself, like I once did.

Maybe you think I am a Debbie Downer. I just don't want you to make the same mistake again. I'm not trying to be mean, it really is all out of love.

Michelle said...


I'm glad to hear you're doing well and there's nothing that warms a mothers heart more than her childs laughter :o)

On another topic, I somewhat agree with EgyptChick. I've found that our "Compromises" often leave me feeling like I'm on the losing end with a used car salesman and questioning my own sanity. I can be often found thinking up is down and black is white. I apologize if this doesn't make sense to you, but anyone who's been in a relationship with a narcisist (sp?) will.

You seem to be a strong perservering woman... so I'm not too worried :o)

Yosra said...

Asalmu Alaykom Shabana,

Finding the easy path is my goal. Trying to control someone else isn't easy. So, that's why I'm giving it up. Thanks for saying it's "a sign of maturity". I just thought it was a sign of being tired :)

Asalamu Alaykom EgyptChick,

Ya, I hear your take on this.

For me, I know what I need to work on. Since we are different people, you might have to work on something else.

I do think that most PEOPLE are looking out for Number One, regardless of gender or ethnicity.

Hope you are doing well :)

Asalmu Alaykom Michelle,

Compromise isn't really what I am suggesting. I'm not giving up anything. I am simply looking for the way that giving up my preconceived notions allows me to see another route to ease and happiness. INSHAHALLAH! :)

I laughed at your "used car salesman" line. I sold used cars for six months right after the split from the kids' dad. Or, as I say, "I DIDN'T sell cars," and that's why it was only for six months.

You're right that I am strong. Alhumdulillah. Couldn't go through what I have and be weak! Life is not for the faint-hearted :)

I am, however, looking for that womanly strength which comes not in overpowering others, but in quiet perserverance and loving understanding. This is me in a new age.

Thanks for your well-wishes and for becoming a (gasp!) FOLLOWER of this blog.

I want someone else to become a (gasp!) FOLLOWER too so I can see a second line form on the sidebar.

Ahhh...the simple joys of life!

Take care!

Safiyyah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Yosra:

You got your second line!

After all, it's the least a fan can do :)

It won't be long, Insha Allah, until you have a third line, and a fourth, and ...

About your post ... there's an old saying that goes "surrender to win" - I have been doing real well living by this paradox. I do end up the winner without losing myself. The bottom line is that I now pick the hills I'm willing to die on. I let a lot of things go ... and I fight for those things that are important to my deen and my life.

Take care dear.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Dear Saffiya,

Whoo-hoo! That was fun! Ask and ye shall receive! You all look good too! Love the diversity of the icons!

I do feel like I'm "collecting the whole set". I always wanted to make enough trips to Burger King to get all the glasses, etc. However, we were not a fast-food family. It was a HARDLY EVER kind of deal so I never got to "collect the whole set". Now is my chance!


Oh, I should probably respond to your wonderful comment before I scare potential followers away.

Ya, you are great, actually, in how you described your battlefields. Why make everything a battlefied?! FOR REAL! Sure, I will want to make my case and stand my ground (and have often in the husband hunt). However, for right now, I don't feel like clomping around in big army boots. I feel like being soft and gentle. Water can wear away the stone, right?

Thanks for understanding me.

Safiyyah said...

Salaams Dear:

Indeed water can wear away the stone. But water can also break up an asphalt highway, uphold trees and houses, and can kill people. It all depends on the "Force" behind the water.

Me, I walk softly and carry a big stick, lol!

You are correct in that your gentleness can produce results. But it must be a conscious desire to achieve the particular result.

Love and Salaams