Sunday, December 14, 2008

Two Years After the Divorce



Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

This week marked two years since AbuBoo came back from Egypt and I demanded a divorce.

I made that choice. It was mine. I could have stayed in the marriage. I could have a husband now. I could. I made the choice to be alone as a single mom.

I need to own that.

I went to a teaching seminar called, "Motivating the Unmotivated Student," with Chick Moorman.

He's written several books. I bought one: Talk Sense to Yourself: The Language of Personal Power

The key to his approach is in acknowledging that we have choices all day long. As a society, we tend to view ourselves as powerless pawns unable to function because of outside elements.

"He made me love him."

"I was unable to stop."

"It was just what happened."

We say these things, and things like them again and again. Why? Because we are conditioned to by this society.

As Muslims, we have to take control over our lives. This is our mandate from Allah. We have to control our nafs; our impulses; our lower selves. We have to rise above those who act powerless and make choices for the betterment not just for ourselves, but for our families and our ummah.

Our choices are ours alone. No one else to blame.

"The devil made me do it."

That's a popular blame game, isn't it? But even if Shaitan were in our lives mucking about, it would be our own selves to blame for inviting him in. We want...so we do. For everything that we do, we will be asked about why we made those choices.

I will be asked by Allah SWT about the divorce two years ago.

This week, I asked myself about it.

Who was I then?

Who am I now?

If I had to do it over again...would I?

How much have I suffered?

Am I suffering more now?

Or did I suffer more before?

How much have the children suffered?

Did my faith increase?

I'll answer the last question first. Yes, my faith increased. My spiritual being was scraped to the bone, but through the restorative power of The Almighty, I survived. I remained thankful. I remained steadfast. Alhumdulillah.

For the answers to the other questions, I went to my buddy, "Honorary Arab." This was the pseudonym I used for the years when I blogged in fear of being found out. I told too much and worried too much. That blog stopped because I made the choice to stop turning to people for comfort.

I went to the writings I saved from my former self and I looked at what I wrote two years ago. You can access a sample in my 2006 archives. I decided to post them. Why? Because it shows a triumphal arch.

I was once in a place in my life that was uncertain, out-of-control, scared, pained, and searching. I'm not there now. I'm in a better place.

Sure, I don't know exactly is going to happen, but I know who is making the choices. It's me.

It was me before too. I just didn't know it.

2 comments:

mel said...

assalamualaikum sis!

i'm just drop by here
have a nice day sis!
may allah bless u.

Anonymous said...

Two years subhanallah. Have we really known each other that long, wow.
L&P,
~Brooke