Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Don't Want to Lose You

"I don't want to lose you!"
If I only had a buck for every time I've heard that phrase spoken to me...but I don't so I'm poor-- but in many ways I'm rich.
I've had experiences throughout my life which I don't want to repeat, yet I seem to face again...and again. Why? I do look at how The Almighty wants us to learn and succeed in these lessons. When we don't do so well on the test, we get a chance to do-over. Isn't that a blessing? Ar-Rahman doesn't want us to fail, so we get another chance.
This phrase, "I don't want to lose you," has always come out of the mouth of a man who has done me wrong.
I think, "Awww! I'm his and he wants to keep me like a precious treasure."
What I should have thought was, "How dare you objectify me as your possession!"
Why didn't I get that figured out by the age of 40?
I think I did, but then had to learn it at a new, deeper level. We learn higher thinking while delving deeper, don't we? Each new experience revisits what we thought we knew but hadn't committed to in our core.
The core of my being still wants to be held and admired. And don't get all literal and think this means sexual gratification. I'm not so base. I mean that closeness of kindred souls. I trade almost everything in order to get that feeling fulfilled. That is Yosra...or it has been Yosra.
However, the mother of my son can't reconcile the horrible treatment. I can't. I can't have my son's mother treated like a whore, or a crazy b, or a piece of garbage easily dispossible. That's what saves me. That's how my son saves me and lifts me higher without being any older than three.
Being a single mother has hurt me; has made me feel so alone, so vulnerable, and so worried for the future. But being exactly this mother to my boy has challenged me to examine my real faith and turn to my Sustainer.
It is only The Most High who can never lose me. I belong to Him and Him alone. I do not belong to any man on earth. No man on earth deserves to possess me. I can share my time, my mind, and my love, and even my spirit. That inner core; that spirit is not for giving away. It isn't mine to give. That spirit is with Allah.
That makes non-observant men crazy. Men who are abusive, who don't fear Allah in their treatment of their woman, want to capture that kind of spirit and hold it in their hand. If you let them hold it, you might think they are gazing in admiration, but it is a vengeful moment right before they crush you.
If you were alone, you might crumble to think that a man with whom you had shared so much could be so cruel. But, for me? Alhumdulillah, I have my boy; my little love. And I have my big love for my God.
Allah knows every remark, every mean moment, and every intention. I'll leave those men to Allah.
As for the good men out there, you matchmakers should start sending me some names!


Chris H. said...

I admire your strength - you have a honest awareness and your priorities sound spot-on going forward. I know all too well it's sometimes hard to remain patient & willing when surrendering to God's will!

egyptchick7 said...

Ahhhh....serenity in this post.You can deny it up and down but I have been saying this FOREVER. And I am glad you wisened up. You are right in saying Allah ( and Barack) is our main Man. If I was only at that spiratual level to fully embrace Allah so whole I would do it. But I am not.

Being that you are 40 and are very pious I expected better from you (in terms of Men) and I am glad you have come to this realization. I as a 24 yr old have gone thru what you gone thru and pray I don't make the same mistakes I have in the past.

Yosra, you deserve a good man. Allah is listening and will give you one in due time. As he has your car ( to be) and job etc. A famous phrase is " you get it when you least expect it". Focus on your kids and job, don't go online to find a man ( it's whats teens do, seriously, sorry). Take care babe :)

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Chris,

I found your blog through our mutual friend Sarah. Thank you for returning my visit. Ya, it's a whole Muslim vibe on my blog, but it doesn't seem to have phased you. Some posts are more Islamic-speak than others. Some will sound total AA. Others will just be wierd. LOL!

Asalamalaykom EgyptChick,

Teens are on the internet marriage sites?! Now, I've had a few dudes in their twenties try to chat me up, but never a teen.

I hear you. You are wanting the best for me. Thanks for continuing to check in and sound off.

I do not, however, accept the label, "pious". I'll leave that to someone else. I will admit to, "observant," or, "striving for the pleasure of Allah."


Anonymous said...

Allah is not a "man" just fyi, even if you mean it figuratively, egyptchick, it's not good to say.

Yosra said...

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

I was kind of "Should I? Shouldn't I?" with your comment. While I think you've said something important (Allah has no equal and is not at all comparable to any person), you were a bit snarkalicious in saying it.

I coined that term. When it hits the New York Times, I want the credit.


It was the "fyi" that was over the top btw. If you had kept that out it would have been more loverly.

I mean, EgyptChick is one of my favs (yes, you are, babe) 'cause she lets it all hang out. I will defend her right to say her piece even if she has screwed it up while saying it. She means well.

Now, the rest of you should follow suit.

egyptchick7 said...

oops...i see the error...didn't mean it in the shirk way. But do we not attribute Allah with masculine pronoun "He"...but yes He is not a man..again didn't mean it that way. Thanks for correcting me.

Oh and I meant teens look for guys to be with online...I used to follow my friends by going into chat rooms, etc. I just find the whole online dating thing creepy. But whatever, as we say in Brooklyn, do you :)