Thursday, September 25, 2008

Ramadan 25: Drop Weight

Weighed yourself lately?
I haven't! I know I'm not loosing any weight this Ramadan. Usually in Ramadan I do, but not this year. The iftar dinners are too late, the food at my mom's is too plentiful, and I'm not as active.

However, I feel lighter.

There are burdens which are lifting, alhumdulillah.

I know where I'm going to be for the next eight months. I'm going to be here teaching, inshahallah. I'm not 100% happy about that. It isn't just the $500 I loose in the non-refundable ticket (I still keep $1000 in airline credit). It was going to be a grand adventure! I'll miss the escape of that all. However, some escapes, like petting zoo animals who can't survive in the wild, aren't meant to happen.

I feel done with any number of men.

I actually DID meet my first boyfriend for a walk around the lake. The lake was beautiful. The walk sucked.

I actually said, "This is horrible! I'm having a horrible time!" I mean, I said that ALOUD to him while we were on the walk. That's how bad it was.

What would make me say something like this?

Was it him trying to convince me that humans had to dream up God?

Was it the story of moms of the subway making him so mad by assuming that, just because they self-centeredly chose to have children, they were deserving of a seat?

Or was it him recounting the great discussion between him and his wife of 20 years when she gave her permission to be non-monogamous with the words, "Just don't hurt anyone."

Ahhh! He is not the man I fell for. ALHUMDULILLAH he is not the man I married!

The only time I really saw a glimpse of the man who won my heart years ago (and he did) was when he talked about a boy whose father is in the same acting troupe. The six-year-old boy would need some minding during rehearsals and my former boyfriend would volunteer.

When this big, big man would talk about the little boy, his whole demeanor changed. There was that twinkle in his eye again. His voice became playful and happy, and he smiled and laughed. And he talked of feeling unsure and surprised and delighted. In that moment, which wasn't horrible at all, I remembered why I had loved this man. It wasn't ever going to work now, but I remembered why it had worked then.

I felt sadness at his decision to never have children. He feels that the world is overpopulated, children ruin your career, and...whatever. He has become very harsh, strident, diactic, and self-absorbed because of it.

Alhumdulillah, that I have my children. They have taught me so much.

Alhumdulillah, that I didn't continue with theatre. Remember that both of us started our theatre training together. Listening to him talk about months of preparation for $1000 was eye-opening. No, he is NOT getting paid a lot of money. He travels a lot. He is gone from his wife a lot. He is nomadic and the actors and directors are his tribe. I'm glad that I've settled down.

This Ramadan, I am indeed discarding the burdens of my mind.

My relationship with my mother is becoming lighter as it gets illuminated. I didn't really want to delve into it. It hurts. But, alhumdulillah, I see better now. I was able to get out some truths for me and have her really hear them and even apologize to me for what went wrong.

My depression of inactivity is leaving me as well. I won't say it was clinical depression. It was just very sad to be me. I couldn't figure out how to stop being sad. Ramadan is allowing me the focused time to really deal with those issues of the last year. Alhumdulillah.

Issues around food have improved; even if I haven't lost weight, I have stopped some dependency. Alhumdulillah, I feel better and stronger for eating this way.

How has Allah opened you and removed your burdens this Ramadan?

Tonight, it's another chance at Layla tul Qadr. Whatever you don't feel has left you, give it a push, a tug and a pull. You will never get another chance like tonight. NOW is better than the future. Make the decision to release what no longer serves you. Stop the wait and drop the weight.


laila said...

Asalamu Alaikum Yosra,
Im very happy to read this post, you seem peaceful alhamdullilah. I think that long sujuud the other day turned things around. Mashallah. You said that Laylatul qadr might be tonight but from my understanding the odd nights are/were last saturday night, monday night and last night, the next odd night is friday night (which is really saturday early morning).

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Laila,

Thanks for your comment! Sorry it took a few days to acknowledge it. Everything is coming together, inshahallah.

Ya, that whole Layla tul Qadr thing is confusing. It's because the Muslim day ends a Magrib and the next new day begins right there too. That's different for us Western-thinker. I fixed my mind and did some prayers on the right days. Inshahallah, I won't forget all of this by the next Ramadan.