Saturday, September 20, 2008

Ramadan 20: Be Quiet

If you stir and stir the water, you can't see the depths below.
Keep your body still and you learn what lies beneath.

Being quiet is a key to being close to Allah.

Often times, we think of being quiet as just not talking. It's more than that. It's shutting off from the extraneous thoughts that push in and demand attention.

Last night, I had a serious offer to meet a man who had fallen in love with my picture. My picture! The story was that he was good in his deen, successful in his career, had a four-bedroom house with a pool out back. He could support me fully to either stay at home with Mr. Boo, or if I wanted to teach, I could do so, unless the school gave me a hard time (then I could walk away).

Oh, and he lived in Florida, because of course, any man who is crazy about me lives in Florida.

Buzzz! Buzzz! Buzz! That was the busy sound of bees buzzing in my head about this.

I did talk with him. He did say everything right.

Saw his picture. He's alright.

I said, "no".

I said, "no," to even just meeting him in person. I don't want the confusion.

He wanted to fly up on Monday. He wanted me to give him a chance so he could convince me to stay. If I ...

OK, I'm back to now. Mr. Boo wanted me to build a masjid with him out of Waffle Blocks. We built the minarette and he began saying the azan. Mashallah! He's playing by himself now, but still spontaneously giving the call to prayer. What could be more important?

Not yet another man, that's for sure!

I had written before that there was in me still some hope for a last-minute rescue. Yesterday, I was offered that rescue on a silver platter and I turned it down. I truly don't want another man to muddy the waters. I want some clarity.

I want some quiet.

I have also written that I'd like to get married again. I made the comment, "I'm not a nun!" That is very, very, very true. I love men. However, I am going to stop the marriage wheels from turning. I don't need to go over the same rocky roads again and again tany wa tany. Somethings you really shouldn't repeat---like screwing up your life and your kid over a man.

Mr. Florida called last night. He had sent me two more poems. I didn't like receiving anything from him, since I asked him to stop all contact. He knew I wouldn't be happy with him as soon as he sent them. He called to make sure I wasn't mad. He called twice, so that I'd pick up. I was mad. He appologized. He wanted me to know that he still loves me and that is sad. He had me and couldn't keep me. He still finds some way to blame me and when I try to end the conversation, he pleads to keep talking. It's upsetting.

He told me that he had been upset by me this week. He had been clicking around with yahoo and found that I'd left a message.

"Asalamalaykom. I was going to ask you to help me break my fast, but you aren't there. It's OK. I'll call you back later, inshahallah."

He told me that he found it on the same day I'd left it-- except one year later.

That was Ramadan, 2007, not 2008.

For some reason, he found it a year to the day I left it. He had me listen to it. There I was. I sounded tired from fasting all day and from simultaneously preparing all day to move to him. I sounded like I needed him and missed him. It was a year ago. A lot has happened in a year.

I asked him which day it was, but somehow I already knew.

It was the 17th. September, 17, 2007.

You know what I thought?

I thought that a year ago on that day, Liz Logelin was still alive and celebrating her birthday. Subhanallah.

Life is short and unpredictable.

If you want to know how to live it, sometimes you've got to be quiet.


egyptchick7 said...

OH what a post I have been waiting to hear!!! We have been telling you all along you need quiet and clarity...and that men ruin EVERYTHING....ok..good....

IM scared you are gonna go to Egypt and find a man. If it is one thing you should NEVER do, is marry an Egyptian-born man. There are many Arabs born here and many Muslim reverts like yourself. Different cultures, even for me ( Im half but it is a big obstacle) is not a good thing.

YOu never really told us what happened with Mr. florida? When are we gonna hear that story? I saw the post about everything being neat in a row and perfect, reminded me of one of the stories in the JOy Luck Club; perfection on the outside, void of emotion inside... But i dunno? When will we hear about why it failed?

Anyway, may you have a good last 10 nights of Ramadan :)

L_Oman said...

Like Egyptchick, I'm glad for this post.

I really, really am.

Can I ask a ? though? Why do you stay in contact with Mr. Florida? Doesn't that murk up the waters????

Hugs to you.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom EgyptChick,

Do I get your EC award? LOL! Ya, so...ya, know, we all learn at different rates. I've been riding the short bus in my relationships.

Do I want a man in Egypt? I'll have my little guy. I might meet's possible. HOWEVER, I am not going there to meet a man. There is no man waiting for me.

OH, and I AM NOT trying to get back AbuBoo, as some have suggested. For real, I would stay here if I were trying to do that. And getting him back isn't that great, but getting him AND his lovely first/current wife is THE PITS! So, no thank you.

You ask about Mr. Florida. He reads this blog. I could let him answer. He would answer differently than me...or he might not answer at all.

I need to think about if, when, and how I might answer.

Anything you've read about him from Baba Shrimp to Roommate Checkmate has met with his approval first. He's a very private person and I want to respect him, even if I'm not married to him.

Maybe Ramadan has me thinking higher than before. Don't know.

Keep reading and see :)

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom L_Oman,

Well, if I'd known it was THIS easy to make y'all happy!

Naw...I still wouldn't have been able to pull it off before now.

It's all Alhumdulillah happening when it should. I'm not faking. I've really reached this place.

Mr. Florida...everybody is asking about him, eh? We have been staying away from each other for the most part. Though, we both have contacted each other over the last month. I did ask him to stop all contact. He hasn't honored that. Inshahallah, it will get easier for both of us as time goes on.

Anonymous said...

tintin is waiting for you at horta ...

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom AbdeSalam,

You mention two things I love in Belgium. It wasn't enough to get me to marry you. Loving things is different from loving people.

It's ironic that in this post I am re-focusing and yet you pop up now. You were my first internet romance. It was so long ago, that I couldn't remember your name at first.

I wish you the best. Truly. I don't wish any bad on anyone. May this Ramadan bring us all increased iman

UmmAbdurRahman said...

"I have also written that I'd like to get married again. I made the comment, "I'm not a nun!" That is very, very, very true. I love men. However, I am going to stop the marriage wheels from turning. I don't need to go over the same rocky roads again and again tany wa tany. Somethings you really shouldn't repeat---like screwing up your life and your kid over a man."

This is the exact point I was trying to make in my previous comment to you.

Yosra said...

Asalamlaykom UmmAbdurRahman,

I know, honey.

Just grade me on a curve,okay? :)