Friday, September 12, 2008

Leaf. Me. Alone.


I have not talked to my father in weeks.

He did email.

I did email back.

I tried to call. I left a message.

He called back and left a message.

I tried again this morning. My mom and I had a huge blow-up last night, astragferallah. It would be nice if one of my parents was talking to me.
The phone actually gets picked up.

"Hello," and it's his girlfriend, which of course is a strange thing to call a woman in her 70s.

"Hi,________. This is Yosra, ___________'s daughter."

"WHOOOO?"

Wow. That was weird. Not like I speak with an accent. Or that I mumble. I was speaking loudly enough.
"Yosra, __________'s daughter."

"Oh, I'm on hold for airline tickets. Can....can you call back?"

No, "Hi, Yosra."

No pleasantries of any kind.

They are busy making plans for Hawaii. I know this from what my father wrote in an email. She didn't have time for anything else. They have enough money to travel all over the world---well, she has enough money.

They didn't have enough money to fly north to see me and the kids last year, but later they had enough to fly to the coast and then take a two-week cruise to Europe.
Oh, and they flew out of Florida, where I was living at the time. I was hours away and would have driven to them, but they didn't let me know until it was too late.

I'm bitter.

I'm listening to every melancholy song on my computer.

"WHOOOO?"

Ya, it echos in my heart. That's why I'm listening to music during a fast, which I shouldn't but I can't handle this.

My mother.

My father.

I haven't gotten any call from Egypt. The phone rang this morning and I thought it might be him. It was a collection agency for the hospital where I seem to have racked up close to $500 in bills from that one emergency room visit.

I keep getting emails from Mr. Florida. He's invited us to spend Eid with him. He pays for tickets and we get to play happy family. Except, you know that doesn't make me happy. We aren't just divorced; we are UNLAWFUL to each other. It's three divorces. It saddens me to hear him miss me now; to want me now in his life. It's not right. He isn't right to try to pull me back and it hurts me. Either keep in kindness or let go in kindness.

No other word on any job.

Mr. Boo just tried to make me happy. He smiled his goofy smile and said, "Be happy, Mommy!" Be happy before you get married."

That surprised me. I have only recently introduced the idea of being married. Mr. Boo had tried to get me to kiss his father and I told him that I can't do that, since we are not married.

"Be happy, Mommy! Be happy before you get married."

"Who am I going to marry?"

"Everybody!"
That did make me laugh, but a sad kind of laugh because it's not that far from true.

I realize that I can't blame my parents for who I am now. That's my job to be me. However, I still feel too much pain in my relationships with them. That pain and feeling of lack makes me search for the person who could be everything I always wanted: the protector, the guide, the kind heart, the understanding ear, the loving arms, the sweet soul, the uplifting laughter, the committed helper, and so much more.

So, Allah is The One to run to. I get that. I just feel gutted and can't even get out of bed, let alone run. I'm fasting. I did get up and eat suhour, pray, and read Quran.

But now I'm listening to Yaz from a time long ago when I was a lost girl and now I just feel like a lost woman.

Ya rab.



9:44 pm
I've just come back from iftar dinner out. Who would have thought that I'd get treated to a yummy buffet? Subhanallah! I went to Safari Restaurant on Nicollet, which is Somali/Ethiopian. This was thanks to my teacher friend, God bless her. I sat there with a table of like-minded sistas and we talked, joked, and laughed. What a difference from the morning!
I felt so alone this morning. Life really can change suddenly.
What happened? My mood dropped so severly. I think that my use of carbohydrates as a calming agent is too close to an addiction. Being without that, "drug," means a struggle to find equilibrium through other means.
I had to turn to Allah. OK, first I turned to my friends who then told me to turn to Allah. In my prayers, I really did ask for deliverance from this sad state. That seems like an easy thing to do, but sometimes the hardest step is the step towards being better.
After praying, I did call my father back. His ladyfriend (is that any better than "girlfriend"?) answered again and was not really that much more courteous. This time, since I had prayed to forgive her, I was able to excuse her. My father, once on the line, really did listen and care and advise.
At the end of our call, I told him (as I always do) that I love him. For the first time in years, he said it back to me. Alhumdulillah. Why today? I don't know. But, if you would have told me in the morning that he was going to say it in the evening, then I wouldn't have stressed. I would have just gone on with my day. I should have had this attitude, even without knowing the future.
And guess who called! My new dude! He landed on U.S. soil and called. Alhumdulillah. I didn't know that was going to happen either. It raised my spirits.
So, some things are the same. I still live here with mom. She still is a bit terse since last night. I don't have a job. I ...ok...let's just leave it at that. This is not a perfect life, but it's my life and I better find a way to make it worth living.

6 comments:

ammena said...

alhamdulilah, nice to see the difference from the morning to the evening. Good to see you may have more company soon too :D insha'allah

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Ammena,

Ya, I just had too much in me NOT to write it out, so I did that. I felt badly leaving it on the blog, since it was such a downer. But now, I see Allah's plan was for me to have a great resolution to many of those issues and then to write those down as well. Alhumdulillah.

LOL at your line, "more company". Inshahallah.

[[[ x Smiley x ]]] said...

subhanAllah
it was sad reading the morning part :( but alhamdulilah look how things worked out? Allah is indeed mericful!

just remember Allah is with you, and He loves you and has beautiful plans for you and that is why He is putting u thru this difficult time.

stay smiling sis, may Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

smiley

Deacon Tim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Smiley,

Thanks for staying with the post long enough to see the flip side.

I often think of those who gave up just before help arrived.

My mom was telling me of the recent news story about a father and his autistic son adrift in the water and seperated from each other. They kept treading water for 12 hours. The father would call out, "To infinity," and the son would answer,"and beyond!"

Read the whole story here:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/10/rescue.at.sea/?iref=mpstoryview

They were rescued, subhanallah. All of us are rescued in little ways we never even know.

Asalamlaykom Deacon Tim,

Here's what you wrote:

Yosra, you write with such breathtaking honesty. Thank you for sharing the pain and the healing. Alhamdulilah. Thank you."

I'm honored by your presence on my blog, Sir. I take your kind words as high praise, indeed because I admire your writing so much.

You know, we Muslims try not to show any faces of our prophets, including Jesus/Isa, peace be upon him. I had a real ethical dilema regarding your avatar pic. So, I hope you don't mind, but I decided to keep your comment (which I love) but delete the framework around the comment, due to our beliefs. Thank you for your understanding.

Your blog is linked under "Searchers" so readers can find you there.

Janaan said...

Assalaamu'Alaykum,

Ramadan Mubarak! I'm new to your blogger. I just wanted to say that I too am going through a similar situation. And I just wanted to share something with you that my former imam's wife said to me: "Allah subhan'wa talaa does not take us to deep waters to drown us, but only to cleanse us."

So, during your difficult transitions in life, remember what does not kill us makes us stronger. And I will keep you and your child in my duas and I hope you will do the same for my son and I insha'Allah.

feeimanAllah.