Sunday, August 31, 2008

Where is Ramadan?


I left the house tonight.

I had tried to pray asr. Mr. Boo used to pray beside me, but now he walks off in search of the person not praying (my mother). She had her bedroom door shut and when he knocked she didn't want him to come in. As I prayed, I heard their conversation back and forth and tried to drown them out with the words of submission.

After the prayer, I knew I just wanted to get out. I went ahead with the pre-arranged plans to get dinner where AbuBoo is working on the weekends. I had told him to get rid of his girlfriends before I showed up; it is where he met the "other woman".

We left and Mr. Boo was so happy to go see his daddy. I said something about his dad as we went driving. Mr. Boo corrected me, "He's not dad; he's daddy."

I drove in the direction without remembering exactly where the restaurant was located. I had never really placed where it was. I tried to call him again.

No answer. I kept driving.

Realized I was clueless. Called again. No answer.

Finally, I had to try again. Where was he? When he answered, he told me that he'd been on line with, "the kids," which means his first/current wife. He got busy with her and forgot that he'd promised to give me directions.

I got the info I needed and let him go, so he could finish up and meet us there. I had to drive past lots of reminders of who I've been and who I've been with. Really, in many ways, I hate being here.

Pulling into my parking space, I felt like I was going to have a nice break. That's what I wanted. I wanted a safe place to have a Saturday night. I didn't want to stay home BUT I didn't want to go just anywhere. Plus, I don't really have endless money to throw towards having fun. This was going to be a free meal.

Was that him? AbuBoo walked from his vehicle across the street to where we were. Mr. Boo was asleep---completely out. AbuBoo was on the phone. He couldn't even greet me since he was on the phone with her.

How much of my interactions with him have actually been with him AND his phone?

He acted like I could wait for him as he talked.

No.

I couldn't. Screw that. I've waited when I had to wait. I don't have to wait beside him any more as he rudely ignores us. I walked off and gestured that he should just stay there. He did. He stayed and talked. After I drove across town, he kept talking to the woman across the world.

Once he was done, I told him that I really wasn't going to stay. He did his Arab tricks to get me to stay. Yes, there are some ways of trying to tame a woman that Arab men know and they usually work. I did sit for a moment but his controlling charm wasn't working on me tonight.

I had to ask him about the restaurant across the street. "Was that...?"

"Yes."

See, we've been married. So, I didn't have to finish my sentence as he read my mind. Yes, that was the revamped diner where we'd go after every pregancy appointment. We'd go see how big and healthy our unborn child was and then we'd go to the diner and eat this wonderfully delicious food. It had been a happy time filled with hope.

Now, I was across the street from it. Sitting in the sleazy place he works now. Knowing that he cheated on his first/current wife with one of the customers. What a change. The baby is now three years old. The marriage is done. The time is over.

I got up to leave, and he grabbed my wrist. Before tonight, he has not touched me in anyway since the divorce. I wasn't going to make a scene, but I wasn't going to stay. I left and he followed me.

He nicely berated me as I unlocked the car door. What was I thinking? Was I thinking I was some kind of wife for him still? What would I do when she came over in two years?

Whatever. Two years is so far from now and so far from reality. I drove off.

I passed more places that hurt to remember. I cried with the Quran tape playing. I imagined as I drove that the words of the Quran were what I was driving on; not the road. This is why I don't do drugs. I trip out enough as it is.

Really, I thought of how easy it would be to just be in Egypt. Spend all my money and leave with one-way tickets for me and Mr. Boo. Actually enjoy Ramadan there. Go through my iddah and then figure out life.

Mr. Boo stayed asleep through it all.

I arrived home...well, to mom's home...and she and I talked. We had a good talk. She knows that I am at low tide. I don't have a lot to go on. She can't agree with any foolish plan for Egypt. She knows that my money will remain more or less intact if I stay here. She wants me to stay here. She might goof up with me and Mr. Boo, but she wants the best for us.

I guess I'm here for Ramadan. I know that sounds stupid because OF COURSE I'm here. I even bought food for suhour and for breaking the fast. However, I just hadn't accepted it until tonight.

Like how I hadn't accepted how bad it is for me to count on anything from AbuBoo.

Or how I hadn't accepted how hard this time has been on me.

My Ramadan is what I want to run to. I do. I want to leave a lot of these problems and immerse myself in the comfort of Allah. But where is Ramadan?

Internal.

Don't believe that it resides with a certain loved one, or a beloved place. Don't buy into the cheapness of the external. It won't be as fun, or as busy if you close down from the sounds and sights around you. It will however, be what you need---and what I need. Inshahallah.

6 comments:

egyptchick7 said...

Oh, that was a nice post. While I am doing this alone, it is the way it aught to be done, I guess.

To you leaving while he was on the phone "GOOD FOR YOU"! There have been soooooooooo many times where I had to wait while my ex was on the phone with his two other brides to be that never been. I know the feeling of waiting and feeling like a utter fool doing so and I am happy you left. How dare he touch you.

My ex called a few days ago to ask me to come by and help him cheat on his gf. I said "no thanks".

May Ramadan make us all stronger and wiser, Inshallah.

Livin_life_and loving_it said...

I am glad u left too. I hate those games men try to play. You will be tied to him forever because of your son bu tyou need to get unattached emotionally. I know that is very easy to say and very hard to do. We tend to stay with the familiar. It is just human nature. dont try to say you are not attached because you are and it is ok and normal. But know as long as you are attached it will bother you, he will bother you.the things he does and says will piss u off. Not until you are unattached will you be able to really so...........whatever man......and mean it.
Its a long process and you have to WANT to do it. When your ready you will not let him get to you.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom EgyptChick,

Thanks for your input on Saturday. Seems like we've all been there/done that.

It helped to hear your disgust at him grabbing my wrist. Sometimes we don't know HOW inappropriate something is until we share it.

For instance, "help you cheat on a gf," is so gross! Wow! I hope you don't internalize those thoughts from him. It's his screwed-up mind that wishes you to be that horrible person. That's NOT who you want to be, of course. Remember, when you make sujud, to really clean those words out of your ears and out of your head.

Your hope for Ramadan is mine as well. Ameen.

Asalamalaykom LL&LI,

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Ya, you really have to want to evolve to move on. I am tired of being stupid about AbuBoo. I am tired of having things hurt me. Somehow, I hope to pass by the shock, the anger, the hurt, and move on to the unattached. :)

ammena said...

salam sis... *hugs* I pray that things get easier for u and Boo and that you make this change that you need for your life sooner when it counts. You are in my thoughts and duaa sis. fi amenallah

Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam Sister Ammena,

Inshahallah life will ease with each day in Ramadan. My mother commented that she feels things are better even after one day! LOL! Probably helps that I cooked dinner for her and served her like a queen.

Yes, I do need a change. I won't chase it though. I'll be more grounded than before. I'll keep believing in the glories of God, but not as much in the glorification of man.

Thank you for your kind words and hugs :)

Anonymous said...

I loved the map. Though I didn't like the fact that israel was on there instead of Palestine. I thought it was a Muslim Population map?