Thursday, August 21, 2008

Trying to Stop the Tide



I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to today.

It was not some fatalistic, injurious death wish.

It was just that I know I'll have to ride a big tidal wave that has been rolling in for some time now.
Right now, my friend is talking to the principal, inshahallah. You remember my friend who got the job at the school, but didn't really want to be there? I love, love, love this sister. She is an awesome friend. I don't agree with accepting a job you hate and anticipate you'll leave before you even started. HOWEVER, I prayed to God not to have anger towards her. I wanted to continue loving her "as is".
It worked!
Because I never blew up at her; never told her off or showed jealousy, I was the first person she called yesterday when she was offered a different job elsewhere. She wanted to take the job, but knew that she should line up her replacement first. That's where I come in. I would be her replacement---if I wanted to be.
What did I want?
What would I want for my life?
I felt that I belonged in Saudi, but that was before. This might seem like a small point, but learning about the covering on the eyes disturbed me. I talked with more of my women friends about their thoughts for me and Saudi.
An Arab friend said that she would not travel there as a married woman with a husband beside her. Why? Too tough on women. She is very gutsy and outgoing and strong and she knows that I am much the same, but I she would not go.
Her friend in Saudi now can't leave the house without wearing three layers to avoid being thought of as a whore; abaya, hejab and niqab are not enough. Sad! And hot! And limiting--not just for me but for a little boy who has to go out and run around.
Talked with AbuBoo who told me that he'd been in that area of Saudi and he didn't have a problem.
I was like, "Dude! You're a man! Of course you didn't have these problems!"
I just don't feel the same as I once did about going to Saudi.
That statement sums up my feelings for AbuBoo as well: I just don't feel the same as I once did.
I wrote that a door slammed shut between us some days ago. It did. I no longer can trust him to help co-parent our son. I am the only one raising him, truly. I don't even receive child support.
HOWEVER, I do think that he could have supervised time with our son and that could be beneficial to Mr. Boo inshahallah. Mr. Boo knows who his daddy is. Lately, the little guy has been spending part of everyday looking at his baby album and seeing the truth of how his life started. The truth is that he has a mommy and a daddy.
I wrote that my older children's father has been near impossible. Normally, I take my daughter to The State Fair for her birthday and have every year since she was four. That's seven years ago. It's a tradition. He decided that he was going to take her this year and he wasn't allowing me an easy way to her on the day. She was so sad about his dictatorial way. It was hurting me.
HOWEVER, she and I worked out a plan and presented it to him: he comes to The Fair with both kids, I meet up with them inside the gates, I take my girlie, he takes my big dude, and after a couple of hours we meet back together and switch again. That way we all spend time together at The Fair (without actually being together).
As for living with mom, it won't work long-term.
HOWEVER, Mr. Boo adores her and keeping them close to one another is a big consideration.
This is my mind today.
Do I change my mind? Sure, I do. I make decisions based on the information I have at the time. When that information changes, or become clear, then I have to submit to what makes more sense.
If there was a job at the school...well, life could fall into place here.
Inshahallah.
That big wave of change? It's coming today and it's up to me whether I get drowned under the weight of it, or whether I ride it like the surfergirl I want to be.

8 comments:

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Readers,

I have got to share what just happened. No...not THE phone call --not yet.

No, what happened what that my Arab friend was on-line and we were chatting. She hadn't read my blog. She told me this:

"i say...be open and see what the Godly tides bring your way"

I freaked. GODLY TIDES?!

Subhanallah! She's never said this before. I asked her about her choice of words and she said that she wasn't sure if it made any sense.

Oh, ya! Oh, ya, it does. It means that I am connected to her through God. Subhanallah. In my opinion, this is a sign that I'm on the right path. Doesn't mean that I know the outcome, but at least I am searching in the right direction. Alhumdulillah.

srtuba said...

Insha'Allah you get the job! I'll be praying for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Asalam Alikum,
Sounds like your on the right wave, Inshallah! At least your x made an exception and found a way for you and your girl to make it to the fair, how exciting. Inshallah you sound like you make the right decisions about Saudi and Inshallah, Allah will provide you with a job at the school you wanted here. Take care and I will be making du\'a for you.

Little Ms. Muslimah

Yosra said...

Wa Alaykom Asalam Little Miss M.,

First of all: thank you for choosing a name! LOL! I truly love all my readers and not being able to sort them out in my head is FRUStrating.

Alhumdulillah I do think that I'm sorting it out correctly.

Alhumdulillah that my girl and I will attend the Fair.

Alhumdulillah that I still haven't heard from the school.

No. I haven't. I was mad about it too. I felt hurt, as if my talents and desire to serve wasn't being welcomed.

Now, after talking with my friendly consultant, I do realize that the best is known to Allah. I can only do my best and leave the rest. The school officials will simply do their best.

In the end? Well...we shall see.

Anonymous said...

Why does Mr. Boo's dad not pay child support? You know you can go to court and MAKE him pay, right?

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom,

Mr. Boo's dad, or AbuBoo, used to pay child support. He paid $1000 for eight months. Then he left the country and ran out of money. When I was married, we reduced it to $750. When I started back to work, it was mutually agreed upon to reduce it to $350. He paid that up until June.

He balked in June. I pushed the issue since he needed some documents from me to get his first/current wife here (along with their kids). I got the $350 along with lots of bad attitude.

For July and August, it has been paying for groceries a couple of times.

He has been working two and three menial jobs at a time.

Allah knows how much money he has and whether or not he could pay more. AbuBoo needs to pay with more urgency than I need to collect. Day of Judgement will not go well for fathers who do not support their children.

If I ever feel he has enough money I will persue it---not because it's mine, but because it belongs to Mr. Boo.

I have been to family court before and didn't like it enough to go again.

rahma said...

Hmmm, if you want to be vindictive, you can stall any immigration process (assuming he's using a fiance/marriage visa) until he pays child support. He's got to provde he can support the people he's bringing here, and if he owes child support, well, then he probably can't :)


Have fun at the Fair. I hear they have a place to pray now, although I haven't been there in recent years to find out if that is true.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Rahma,

Love your display pic :)

Do I want to be the bad in the world? No.

I will not be screwing up their paperwork to get his marriage visa approved. They will screw it up enough on their own. I have been blamed SO much for things wrong in their marriage. God knows, I don't want to cut in on their weird dance any more---and ya, everyone--I should have stayed out of his infidelity tango.

The Fair was great fun. Got asked five minutes into my visit if I was feeling hot (in hejab), What the heck does a man think he's doing talking to ME??? If I'm in HEJAB it's like a big billboard that I'm pulling myself out of the mainstream chit-chat between men and women! At least, it was before I was hanging out with my girl and her BFF. That would have REALLY embarrased my sweetie.

Oh, my answer was the smile and "No, I'm fine, alhumdulillah."

To which he replied, "Don't get me wrong. I understand what you're trying to do and I really respect that."

Ok....thanks...bye...stop talking to me...

As for prayer space: I wasn't praying to day. Really it's the worst day for me to go walking around. Does anybody else just about die on the first full day if they have to walk around?!