Sunday, August 10, 2008

Third and Final Divorce

I begged and pleaded.
For our marriage to work?
NAW!
That was all the other times.


This time I just wanted to admit the truth: we really haven't been married as husband and wife since February. I've been living on my own, in my own place; unsupported. NOW? I am not even in the same state.


He wanted another day to think about it, but I wanted to say that we've been neither here nor there for months. Time to stop being in limbo; especially now that we are no longer able to see each other and get tempted. We needed to stop.

I'll have a month and a half of iddah to complete and then I'll be free again.

To marry again?

DUH!


You all think I'm a nun?

Look, I will marry again, inshahallah. I just don't know when and with whom.


But I know what I want him to look like:











or maybe:



or possibly:

8 comments:

egyptchick7 said...

I didn't post what I wanted to post in the last post. I chose to examine how we can get things for free at arab establishments for levity. I didn't post my ramble but here it is anyway.

It seems you HAVEN'T LEARNED WHICH IS A HUGE CHARACTER FLAW!!!

Marriage??? Again???? Number 4? In the last 14 years ? You left us at a time when we were critical of your actions. BC you didn't want to hear it. I am actually scared of your reaction bc you can't take criticism from others. What did we tell you last time? Please don't move on so quickly. And you did quoting it was unislamic to do so. Yeah. yeah put Islam into this and make us feel we are unpious.

Anyway that was a year ago. When you were still single. A year later, you are divorced again. There has to be something in our relgiion that says STOP!! My mother was abandoned by my pops. She has been single and depressed for 15 years. All for the two kids she single parented bc she felt it was unfair to date or marry for the sake of the kids. I am not asking you to do this, but I am asking you please to learn from past mistakes and show some restraint. You will only be happier in the long run.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom EgyptChick,

Hmmm...have I ever said about you that you, "haven't learned"? Nope.

I haven't said that about you, because: 1) I care about you enough to not step on your toes 2)I don't know you well enough to even make that statement and 3) because I'd be a grade-A hypocrit

Now, I have been one thing FOR SURE and that's honest. I am being honest in this post.

I am not saying that I will jump into another relationship the minute the third period starts. What I am saying is that I am not letting this unfortunate ending to a big love condemn me to a life of celebacy and loneliness.

I'm too freakin' __________ and ___________ and certainly____________ and yes, even _______________ for that to happen. (You fill in the blanks on your own).

Oh, and was there just one lesson to learn? Huh...funny, but I remember learning many of them these last months, such as:

I will not be made into any other person's image. I am subhanallah uniquely me.

I have a lot of endurance and strength when I admit my weaknesses to Allah.

There is a team I'm on and it's me and Mr. Boo---first and foremost.

I've spent too many choice years creating relationships. I've got to leave more of a legacy than a trail of happy men.

I'm a great teacher.

I'm half of a great marriage.

And there's more, but there's not enough time and space to put them all.

Love ya, EgyptChick, and I know you love me.

I'll never call you "unpious" or intentionally shame you into that.

Just see what you can do to make your life better and I'll do the same--inshahallah.

Kisses!

egyptchick7 said...

I care about you and that's why I step on your toes. I neglected saying anything for fear that you might have responded defensively...

eh...so would I...but it had to be said. Better me than an anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Salam,
I hope you don\'t mind I was reading your blog and comments and found it to be quite interesting between you and egyptchic. I am a fellow muslim too.

Maybe you should step back and take a look at your character defects and maybe some change is needed. I am not judging, just some suggestions. Sounds like you have kids you should just devout your time to them especially the little Boo you mentioned.

Believe me I know how ARAB men can be, disfunction for sure!! But take sometime to be with yourself because thats what I did after a messy divorce and I found the best catch ever. Try it, it may just work. Take care!! I wish you the most happiness!

PM said...

Yosra,

I, too, have been reading and wanting to write but holding back. I may only write this one time and let the matter drop but there are a few things I would like to suggest as things to think about.

1. I suspect that you writing that the job hunt is Saudi is somehow linked to yet another potential marriage is what made egyptchick7 respond to you (oh for the wisdom of youth that have learned from their own parents' lives!). You do have a habit of running headlong into relationships quickly and it is normal for your cyber-friends and sisters to wonder if you have taken the time necessary to evaluate and learn from what has happened. Every marriage you enter while your children are young is a potential heartache for them (as I am certain you know). I don't think anyone is suggesting a life of celibacy but perhaps managing your sexuality enough to take a little time before you engage your precious children in another marriage....

2. As for feeling your mother's attitude disappointing or hurtful, I feel like I just need to point out another side and possibility. As mothers, we sign on to love for the duration of our children's lives but we DON"T always approve of what they do. When those very same adult children tell us that they know best and disregard our loving advice, we have to let them make their own decisions. When they stumble and fall, we still love them, but we may figure that since they are insistent that they know best how to manage their affairs, they need to learn how to recover from their falls without always running to us. Our role as mother-teachers to our kids sometimes continues well into adulthood, and it very well could be that your mother feels there is a lesson you still haven't learned and she is trying to help you learn it.

I suggested a long time ago that you get into some therapy to deal with the issues you have relating to self-esteem and men in your life. I've been using both therapy and the ample time I have had for reflection to help me learn from my divorces in the hopes that I won't hop on that roller coaster again -- because when I get on that roller coaster, I take my whole family along for the ride. And we all deserve better.

Wishing you and your children the best.

Salaam,
PM

Faith Confusion said...

Lol. You really made me lol with the pics here.

Yosra said...

From Mostly Anonymous Halimah:

This.

I'm so late on all of this; regardless, this must be said. Perhaps the future readers who stumble across this blog ten years later in 2026 will find some benefit, Wa Allahu alim.

Didn't the best of creation, alayhi salatu was salaam, marry again, and again, and again, far upwards of Yosra's three times? Yes, the glaring difference is that he didn't divorce -- although was on the brink at one point -- and perhaps, dare I say, male.

To me, his (saw) beautiful example highlights two things worth noting: those women that he married, were all previously married, save for Aisha (ra). Divorcees. Not dissimilar to Yosra. Many had children (although it's a pity we lack much regarding the Prophet's (saw) stepchildren). Not dissimilar to Yosra. Should they have stopped after their initial divorce, and never opened themselves up to the possibility of marriage again? Nope! Why limit the mercy of Allah and His favors upon them? Why try to control that which the Controller of Hearts has assigned Himself with controlling - - that being the hearts -- in the first place?

Alas, I feel it will be noted (albeit mentally, as I'm of the mind that these older posts will mostly stay buried and untouched by new comments) that they weren't previously married three times over. A moot point, I feel, as what it screams to me is that the one who objects to Yosra's potential remarrying again (agh, I must admit I read a bit into the future and know that you DO marry again, actually) somehow knows the very ghaib, which Allah has says that only HE possesses knowledge of. They somehow know the unknowable: it's not a good idea, habiti. Kaif? Knowest thou that which lay in the future?! Again, kaif? I ask.

Men marry, and remarry, and marry and remarry two more whilst married, then remarry some more. Add one, subtract two, divide one by four. We hardly balk (okay, maybe a little). A man with children can remarry almost as much as he wants, at whatever age, and it's socially acceptable to do so. Women? Not so much. Why is that? Does Allah make any distinction in that regard - - that a man can do it sans limitations, but a woman can only divorce and remarry in accordance with a specified number? Nope! He sure doesn't! And ALHAMDULILLAH for that, as many women have reaped endless khayr (and men, and children) due to His mercy in keeping the boundaries wide and free.

But I digress ...

(Kind of)

My only further remark to anyone at this this point in the story, is that if you -- again, at this very juncture -- feel as though she's wrong to want to open herself up to marriage again, inspect your heart closely for the reasons which uphold that belief of yours.

I'm jussayin.

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom Halimah,

WOW! Subhanallah! Where were you when I was like so much laundry flapping in the breeze? I sure could've used you then!

I met a Muslimah many years after this post who was marrying for the third time. She was MASHALLAH a beautiful, beautiful woman and so educated. She had her act together! She stopped marriages that didn't work and did so without any shame.

When I asked her if she felt pressured to make the third one work, she said, "I told him that I was marrying him, but not out of desperation. He has to realize that I will keep marrying and divorcing as long as it's necessary as it's my right---alhumdulillah. If it isn't necessary, then alhumdulillah."

While her matter-of-fact attitude surprised me, I admired her ability to bounce back without looking back.

Yes, I did marry again. I'm kind of on Number Three. He prefers to think of himself as such.

X1 Father of My Two Eldest Children
X2 The Big, Crazy Love and Abu of My Youngest, El-Kid
X2.5 Mr. Florida, an internet relationship more digital than actual

This post is about Mr. Florida. We married Islamically, but not legally in the U.S. I've since realized that it doesn't really count...and it kind of didn't count for us either. We were more like Muslim boyfriend and girlfriend while we were both pretending that we were husband and wife.

My husband now, Ahmed, supports me and I support him. We help each other and we build a life together: spiritually, emotionally, materially, financially, and physically. We are growing my son up.

I think of leaving him at least once a month. I don't love him with that painful stab in my heart---I stay a bit aloof. Somehow, it works. I'm still surprised I married him. It's been seven years together. We've weathered a LOT. At this point we are stronger than we've ever been. Alhumdulillah.

I don't think it's wrong to know what you yourself need in life. I knew that my life with my young son needed a man in it. I don't regret making that need known and going after it. The funny part is that as soon as I dropped it and went to Egypt, I found the man.

Love and Light!