Saturday, August 23, 2008

Not Sureal SO-REAL!


Let me tell you about Friday. Talk about big days!

It actually all started on Thursday. There was all that confusion about the job possibility.

Will they?

Won't they?

I got NO CALL the whole dangity doodle day (oh, and I don't swear on my blog, but I do sometimes wish that I did). What the heckaballoo (that would be another good time to swear)were they thinking?! This is so freakin' disrepectful of an organization which is trying to teach our youth in the ummah responsibility and respectfulness. Get real! I'm ashamed of how I was mistreated. I, for sure, deserved a call to say, "Thank you for making yourself available. Let's talk about what you could do for us." No call.

My friend heard this from me and called the principal back. She then learned I was being considered BUT I was the second choice. Who was the first? A man. Another man.

"Why a man for fifth?" I asked, as men aren't usually placed in lower grades.

"Men don't get pregnant and men don't have child care needs," was her sassy reply.

Ya, so no call EVER and no job from them.

I woke Friday wondering if I might EVEN get a you-were-not-chosen call but nothing.

So, I moved on to the next big thing which was going to The Fair! This was the much debated birthday outing for my little/big girl. Much simpler when you aren't feeling weak and low-energy, but HEY! Suck it up for the team. We had a great time.

There was a wierd moment...because I apparently need a lot of those in my life. I had already spent time with my girl and we had done our switch-off at the juggling show. I was now with my big guy (my 14-year-old), and was returning him to his dad and sister. This was at the DNR building and she wanted to do an activity, so they were going to hang around. I decided to wait for her and her friend to finish before saying goodbye. That meant hanging around my older son and his father.

My little son, Mr. Boo, just stared at the big hairy man with the hat. S-T-A-R-E-D! Wouldn't say much. The kids' dad just stared back, but with a kind of bemused smirk; he just wouldn't break the ice.

Then Mr. Boo pipes up, "Let me tell you a mommy joke. Knock-Knock!"

The kids' dad plays along, "Who's there?"

"Mom"

"Mom who?"

"MOMMY!"

It was again: SUREAL to see the man from my first marriage, whom I left back in 2000, doing a knock-knock joke with the son from my second marriage

My second marriage began with meeting my Mr. Boo's father and when was that? Yes! On the same date as my daughter's birthday. Yesterday marked seven years SUBHANALLAH since the day we met. You know what? I forgot to wish him, "Happy Anniversary." Why? Because I had someone else on my mind.

See, no time to stay in that surreal moment, because I was headed for another. Yes! Off to the airport I went to pick up my suitor.

You know? I've just figured something out. I keep looking at that word "sureal" and realizing I don't mean that. I mean SO-REAL. Ya, that's it.

This is the first time a man has ever flown out to see me. Sure, I have had airline tickets paid for for ME to fly out---twice. And both times, I regretted my willingness to be on their turf. This time, I really didn't want to fly to him. I considered it, but I declined. He accepted. He arrived last night.

Mom said I looked nice, by the way, which is a lot kinder than the other comments she has been making.

The funny thing is that I wasn't going to color my hair. Oh, I needed it! My roots showing and I had a bad color match to begin with. Then, I was at The Fair and popped into the Loreal station. That was cool! I got a free consult with a stylish for which product was right for me. I got the advice (Creme Excellence to cover grays, ya all) and my c$2.00 off coupon.

Oh, and thanks to my big guy for putting up with mom. LOL! I tell him that, since we don't live together, I have to cram in all the embarrassing times in while I'm with him.

So, coming back from The Fair I'm beat but I think about that coupon and ask mom to stop at Walgreen's. She declines. I ask if she can watch a sleeping Mr. Boo while I run out to buy the hair dye, she declines. Eventually, she says that she'll go begrudgingly.

This is a lead up, people, so stay with me.

I go home TIRED and in need of Gatorade. I wash and iron AND then I decide I really will dye my hair. Every man who has talked marriage with me has asked to see me without hejab. This man will not be any different.

Originally, I had thought that I should keep my nasty gray roots on my head--to show him my "truth". But, then I thought of how low my confidence gets when I have gray; which reminds me of my age. This man is ...wait for it....I can almost say it.....younger than.....me---NOT by much...two and a half years ---but I've NEVER gone for younger my whole life so that was on my mind.

So, with about ZERO energy I dyed my hair. It took some effort but it looks really good.

And....punch line coming....he never asked to see my hair. LOL!

It's like when you clean the guest bathroom and no one has to pee. You almost want to give them more to drink so they have to go in and admire how clean your grout is.

He wouldn't look at me that much. Nope! Didn't try to shake my hand. Didn't ask for any kiss.

Oh, wait...I take that back. He asked Mr. Boo for a kiss.

In fact, he charmed me the most by how he treated me young lad (got to read that last part with an Irish accent; just watched Waking Ned Devine again).

We went out to eat at our local Arab buffet. I sat there and watched this man lovingly crumble the fish flakes over my sons rice. This man fed my boy like a father; like a good man who loves deeply and shows his caring through actions.

And he asked me what else I'd like from the buffet. I did that stupid, "Oh, I don't know if I should eat any more," comment which I really regretted once he'd left the table. I turned around and watched him for a moment. I thought about calling him over and asking him to get some more of what I liked. I decided against it. He came back to the table with a plate of lovely food--of all the food I had commented glowingly about--and set it down

in front of me.

He set it down in front of me silently; without any big talk, and then walked back to get his own food. Mashahallah! That was goooooood. Good one! Men, take note! That was a goooood one.

He never tried a thing with me the whole night. Mashahallah. He spent hundreds of dollars on this trip and never wanted my physical affection in return. Or...if he wanted it, he didn't act on that. I didn't either.

Both of us would like JUST ONE relationship in our lives to be halal and good for NOT JUST NOW but for years to come.

This is why, "YES," I would consider marriage. Yes, I would. Not with every man under the sun. I would consider it for a man who is worth my consideration.

Why speed things up? Why not just take a break and chill? He leaves for umrah at the end of the month, inshahallah. We both wanted a meeting beforehand to crystalize in both our minds who we are, so we can better contemplate a possible future.

OK, Kids, that's my SO-REAL Friday. Now, don't get all preachy on me, because I'm in a good place. Alhumdulillah, it's all good.

24 comments:

srtuba said...

Sounds like you had a good day!

Ziyad said...

Sorry to get all preachy on you, but are you sure this is the guy for you? He seems one level above you. (I don't mean that in a rude way). I mean, you were willing to show your hair to a man who you're not married to which is haraam, yet he didn't even ask in the first place. Looks like his eman is a little stronger than yours and maybe he deserves a woman with stronger eman too. Or, maybe this is just a blessing in disguise from Allah, to send u a man with a very strong deen and eman, in order to get you to become stronger in your deen too!?!
Tell us more about this guy.
LOL!

Anonymous said...

Asalaamu Alaikoum

Just wanted to let you know that 2 well-respected Sheiks in MN have talked about grey hair in their khutbahs, and the wonderful blessings received for keeping your grey hair.

There is a Sahih (Authentic) hadith about it too, just to share with you and others on here if anyone is interested.

I was surprised when I first learned about it, but Masha'Allah, Allah SWT rewards us in many ways, even as small as a grey hair! SubhanAllah.

Here is the hadith for you:

"Sahih Hadith - Abu Dawud, Narrated Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As:

The Apostle of Allah said: Do not pluck out grey hair. If any believer grows a grey hair in Islam, he will have light on the Day of Resurrection. Allah will record on his behalf a good deed for it, and will blot out a sin for it."

The Sheiks said that dying the color of grey hair would be the same as plucking it.

So masha'Allah as u can see, you will not only have light on the Day of Judgement, which is a day of 50,000 years long, but you'll also receive a good deed and blot out a bad deed for EVERY grey hair! Wow! I hope insha'Allah I can grow some grey hairs before I die! LOL

Anyway, just wanted to let you know.

Salaam aliakoum.

Everyday Enigma said...

Allah Kareem (Allah is most generous)

:-)

Mary said...

MasAllah sis!! I'm so happy for you. LOL I have such a soft spot for these kind of stories and yours is so sweet it made me tear up a little bit :) He sounds like a really wonderful guy. InshAllah things continue on the the same path :)
You'll be in my duas

Anonymous said...

assalamu aleikum,

Ugh, wait I'm confused. Why would he ask you for a kiss? Why were you surprised that he didn't ask for any physical attention?

He did not hire a prostitute, he came to meet a Muslim woman. So, I'm confused.

You should not accept that behavior from anyone. So, it's weird that you were shocked when you met a decent guy.

I never heard of taking your hijab off for a guy except for some cultural stuff from Saudi (where they have a take your hijab off for the guy dinner).
However, taking your hijab off for some brother who has not asked to marry you yet is kinda weird, IMHO.

It sounds like you haven't met many nice Muslim men before and don't really know what to expect.

Nice Muslim men aren't dogs and don't care what your hair looks like if they've had a chance to see you are a good Muslim, and of course it they can picture themselves with you (whether or not you are attractive beauty is in the eye of the beholder).

-musulmana

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Sr. Tuba,

Yes, I did have a good day. Thanks for noticing :)

Asalamalaykom Br. Ziyad,

Is this the guy for me? Don't know. Do you? No? OK, then when things become clearer to either you or me, let's get in touch.

Oh, wait, you think he's one level above me? Huh, that's nuts. Dude is who he is and I am who I am and we're pretty right on for compatiability of our faith. That's my take. OBVIOUSLY if Dude flew out to my state then he thinks so too. Get a grip there, buddy. When Allah dies then you can take over being The Judge---oh ya...Allah never dies so you can stop auditioning for the position.

As for telling YOU more about him--no. You don't deserve to feast on that which you spit out too eagerly before.

Feel free to stop reading my blog.

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

There is also hadith about coloring of the hair being acceptable. It does not interfere with wudu, I know that. And it is for beautification, of course. I'm 40; I don't want to look 60. If I didn't color, then my hair would be all "salt and pepper," while I'm still "Salt N Peppa".

I do agree with not yanking them out, though!

Asalamalaykom Everyday Enigma,

Ya, I love Allah. Allah keeps sending me some serious twists in this yarn.

Asalamalaykom Mary,

Thanks for your sweet tears. This is a love story. Will it have a happy ending? Don't know. It might not even have another chapter. It is, for right now, a wonderful surprise. And as we all know, another name for surprise is "God".

Asalamalaykom Musulmana,

Did I say I was shocked that we didn't kiss? I don't think so. I was pleased with his behavior, in that MANY MANY Muslim men in this country have become so Westernized into thinking women are for dating THEN marrying.

What's up with you not knowing that?

Look, you can feign some kind of disgust at me for my true thoughts and feelings, but you are not being real.

YES women take off their hijab when the marriage discussion gets serious. You don't know this? What's up with you? Men get up to three looks. Nothing more than hejab comes off. The viewing must not be in private. BUT IT IS ALLOWED. DUH!

I know of a sad case where a young woman married (Islamically and legally) without showing under her hejab. The young man took her back to the apartment. She uncovered and he was repulsed by her looks. She really did look so much worse without hejab. They did not sleep together on their wedding night. The next morning he told her that he couldn't stay married to her. Their Islamic marriage was done right then---no iddah even. The legal marriage is still being chiseled away after a year. True story.

Musulmana, I'm sure you're a great sister. Now, if you could only see that I am too. We can be VERY different people without me having to put down you or you having to put down me. 'Kay?

Asalamalaykom to Sister in MN,

Thanks for your private remarks. I read them and I'll be in touch, inshahallah.

Anonymous said...

I am sure that sister is thrilled you think she looks so much worse without her hijab. I certainly hope she does not read your blog. Very sensitive of you...but I am sure you are just being real as usual.

Yosra said...

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

She doesn't read my blog. Even she, however, would admit that she has issues under her hejab.

Am I being unsensitive to give a real-life account that could help another? Nope. There was a REASON to tell that story. I didn't tell it for a laugh. I didn't laugh at all for this unfortunate situation. I didn't give her name or identifying details.

If you want to read things that only deal with surface level happiness, then you've come to the wrong place. I am real. Am I cruel? Nope. I'm not passive-agressive either, Anonymous.

I stand behind what I write. I've got the readership, the accolades, and apparently the cajones.

Mary said...

Take a step back here and make sure you're really coming across the way you intend to. I can see very well you had good intentions to correct a Sister on something you think she's doing wrong; and it's true in Islam if we see another Muslim doing something we think isn't 100% halal, we have a duty to approach the person.

Do you know why?

Not because we're allowed to judge, but because the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) relates to us that none of us are Muslim that wish for other Muslims what we don't wish for ourselves. Correcting becomes about helping another inshAllah towards your common goal: Jannah. Not about being right, putting someone down, or calling someone out as unIslamic. This is the last thing we want to do!

So I'm you had pure intentions--only Allah swt can really know--but you should take a look at the Sunnah of the Prophet PBUH. To advise someone they're not doing the right thing, we're supposed to do it GENTLY and with tact. InshAllah I'm doing this same thing with you, and apologise if I'm not.

Accusing someone or passing judgement is a pretty big sin. Are we seriously gonna say, "You're doing this wrong," via doing something wrong ourself? The goal is helping both parties refrain from sinning. Once we advise a person (for their own sake of course), we should continuously make excuses for them because only Allah swt can judge. Seriously, we don't know everything, we can't see everything, and maybe, we get the wrong idea thanks to our own biases. It's better then to excuse our brothers and sisters, then to cast some sort of tension between two Muslims and/or to take on the part of Allah swt by judging another.
Sorry for taking up your space here Yosra!! :/

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Mary,

You are welcome to say as much as you like here. It's not charged per line, so feel free :)

As for WHAT you said...I rarely take back what I write. Don't expect that to happen now. I have a quick, decisive mind. I'm not, "Minnesota Nice," which is often two-faced. I say it like it is for me. Doesn't have to be what everyone else should believe. Just me.

I do check myself Islamically. I'm fine with how I'm standing before Allah with this blog and my writings on it.

As for the commentators, you all can decide for yourselves if you'd talk to me straight in the face this way. I kind of doubt it. Me? What you read here is what I would say directly. Anyone who knows me, knows this is true about me. I have a LOT of friends at this point, alhumdulillah, so if someone reading me doesn't like this approach to life, then there are about a million other blogs to read.

Telling me that the man who visited seems to have more eman tha I do? Obviously, if you've read this blog you know I'm a faithful person. I'm not kaffir. I'm a practicing Muslimah. Covered. I'm being persued for marriage, not for zina. So, where does "Ziyad" or anyone get off judging between two STRANGERS he only knows from what I write? That is insane. That's what I remarked upon. It IS strong what I'm saying. Screw tact. I don't need to be saccharin-sweet when someone is attacking my realtionship with Allah. Nope. You want to be that way? That's fine! Go that route!

For me, I know who I am. I'm not willing to put up with any questions about who I am as a Muslimah.

Peopele: Question yourself about your own deen, your own eman, your own true connection to The Almighty. In the end, who I am won't matter a hill of beans to you on Judgement Day, when the REAL Judge will bring you to task for YOUR faults and short-comings. You won't even remember your own mother, father, sisters, brothers, or children! For SURE you won't remember about me. So, look to the plank in your eye before you comment on the splinter in mine.

Sorry, Mary, to take up all this space on your blog...oh, wait...it's mine.

Mary said...

Sorry I wasn't clear Sis, I meant that reply for those who have been saying some very rude, tactless things on here. That's why I said that I can see they had intentions to "correct a sister," and was trying to advise them to do it sans the namecalling.
I myself am very happy to have found such an honest blogger. I feel like I've been able to connect with more of what you say than most blogger thanks to your easy honesty.
Again: Sorry my earlier post wasn't so clear.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Mary,

You are a kick! LOL! You are actually lovin' me?! Cool! Now just love me so I can understand it. LOL! Isn't that always the problem? The people who love us we simply don't get?

OK, so I'm happy if you're happy. Ya, I'm not faking a bit on this blog. I'm me. Like me. Don't like me. I'm still me. I'm the coolest me I know.

You're the coolest you I know, by the way.

Thanks for the clarification. Don't it suck when you meant something completely different?

Like when I used the words "UNsensitive" when I for sure meant to write "INsensitive". Sigh...really I teach English. Really I do. Don't tell my 8th graders. They'd never let me live it down.

Ziyad said...

You are right Yosra, I should not judge you, as only Allah is the one who can guide people. So, instead of making comments on here, I'll just make dua instead that Allah will guide you, because it's only through His guidance that you can change your fitna-causing ways.
I don't want fitna in my life, so I will GLADLY stop reading your blog!

Anonymous said...

I didn't say you were not a good sister-astagfirAllah.

I said that you were meeting a lot of guys that were probably taking advantage of you when they know better. There was a comment that said that this man was a level above you... I don't know where that came from, he just acts the way all Muslim men are supposed to act-respectful.

I just wanted to let you know that YOU deserve more than the quality of men you seem to be finding.

As for taking off the hijab, I know sisters who don't wear hijab and as a revert I have not always worn hijab, but there is no hadith to my knowldege that says you can take it off because some brother asks you to. I believe the "3 looks" are supposed to be how you generally appear in public, i.e. if you wear hijab or not because the Quran says you should avert your eyes in general.... you see?

I am very curious as to the rulings on taking off the hijab in front of suitors as I have a daughter and it will come up one day in the future insha'Allah.

Sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention.

-musulmana

Yosra said...

Masalama Ziyad

Thanks for saying your goodbye. My guess is that you really will be lurking around and just not commenting.

Funny how ,many men read the blogs of women and then chastise them.

Asalamalaykom Musulmana,

I was trying to find you the info. I found this interesting chat about covering:

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t234927827.html

Doesn't address this issue, but it's a fascinating discussion.

Here they discuss all sides of the issue:

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/archive/index.php?t-6684.html

All of us must make the decisions for ourselves. May Allah reward those who question themselves and seek blessings. May those people who find their answers not use them to pummel the other seekers.

Anonymous said...

Before I was Muslim I didn't wear hijab (obviously) and it took me about a year to put on the hijab. Since then, I have never thought to take it off. It has helped me identify MYSELF as a Muslim and remind myself and others to my commitment to Islam. I have more self-respect because of it and am more respectful to others (hijab-wearing and those who don't as well) because of this increased awareness of self and the world around me.

I will read the links, insha'Allah. Jazak Allah.

I just don't think you should compromise who you are depending on a brother's whims. Not just you but any Muslim sister.

Insha'Allah you will find a good Muslim man and together you can live a good life.

-musulmana

Anonymous said...

Why did you post a shia link yosra?

Yosra said...

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

Why post a shia link? I don't know. Didn't seem like an issue. They were having an interesting discussion and I thought to show you all what they said.

I'm Muslim. While I am not now interested in marrying a shi'a, I did seriously consider it once. I won't because AbuBoo would have a real problem with his son being brought up differently. That's the number one reason. Also, I don't agree with raising up any person (Hasan and Ali) as worthy of extreme adoration.

I'm not against Shia. The nicest family from my last days teaching in Minnesota were Shia. God bless them.

Am I Sunni?

I am Muslim.

egyptchick7 said...

Tha's the problem with this Ummah. Shia and Sunni...I too don;t agree with raising Hassan and Ali and beating yourselves for a HUMAN but most of my dormates were Shia, my bestest friends.

Just bc it is a shia link doesn't mean it is something bad. the discussion of hijab is universal in sunni or shia sects.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

Some of this is so wrong in so many ways. Although you may think what you are saying is alright it is not. I'm not trying to get all uppity with you. It's just this....just bc you dont say a person's name doesn't mean we don't know who you're talking about.

" I didn't give her name or identifying details."

well this depends on who is reading this blog :( Wouldn't it be awful if she actually read this? For all your honesty, I don't think that you would be mean enough to say this to her face...

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom UmmAbdurrahman,

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your opinion. You are entitled. You can write what you wish on yours and I can write what I wish on mine. By you sharing your comments on mine, you are actually identifying her more than I ever have, but maybe you can't see that. I thought of not posting your comment because of this, but thought you would not understand.

I have never said this sister was ugly. NEVER. Mashallah, we are all from Allah and all have something beautiful from Him. Once again, here is what I wrote,

"I know of a sad case where a young woman married (Islamically and legally) without showing under her hejab. The young man took her back to the apartment. She uncovered and he was repulsed by her looks. She really did look so much worse without hejab. They did not sleep together on their wedding night. The next morning he told her that he couldn't stay married to her. Their Islamic marriage was done right then---no iddah even. The legal marriage is still being chiseled away after a year. True story."

Some women do look very different in hejab than with it on.

I'll tell another story-- YES, I will. This woman looked beautiful with hejab on. When she took it off, her forehead, which seemed to end at the hejab, actually traveled far back beyond where it normally stops on others. This made her beautiful face appear less appealing with hejab off.

Some women look better with hejab on. Duh! Like you don't know this? You know this! Is it mean to say? I don't think so! You could state the positive of "They look better with their hejab ON." It's really two sides of the same coin.

The problem is when we enter into marriage without showing. Attraction IS part of marriage. Doesn't have to be the main part, but it is a part. Beauty is ONE reason to choose a woman according to our Prophet pbuh.

So, the women I mention in this section, they already know the truth. If they read, then they will read about themselves. They will also know inshahallah, that I am attempting to help other women make informed choices for their life. I am attempting to show the reasons why showing yourself uncovered before marriage makes sense TO ME.

Would I change anything I said? I might ammend the word "repulsed". Maybe that is heavy-handed. I could change it to "dissatified".

Other than that, sister, I'm fine with what I said and of course will face Allah on Judgement Day for every single word written or uttered. Since I know that, I will not require censors on my blog.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for understanding.

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum sis - do you have a link that shows an actual ruling on it being permissible to take off hijab to a non-mahram?

I know you have a strong opinion on the matter. I would like to ask that you really look into this because this is haraam - whether or not a sister and brother intend to marry one another, they are haraam for each other until the nikah. Please read these.

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/2572

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/3307/uncover%20marriage

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=542&CATE=10

Bismillah:
"And Remind for verily a reminder benefits the believer"(Qur'an Surat Adh-Dhariyat 51:55)

And seriously, if you have a link that is contrary to this as a majority ruling, I DO want to read it because we all know that there are times that sheikhs will say something is "majority ruling" but it is not necessarily the case.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Mumina,

Thanks for adding your voice to the discussion.

I did have an article on that matter. I googled the title: Seeing the Woman to Whom One Proposes Marriage

Here is one link: http://www.mecca.com/modules/lifestyle/article.php?lang=english&id=1545

I think that the article is the same all around the 'net. Read and see what you think.

For me, I might not show this next time around HOWEVER I feel that it is an option for couples. I just want to try something different and see how that works, inshahallah.

All of us know in our hearts something of the truth and we have to search our hearts for what is closer to Islam than other thoughts.