Friday, August 22, 2008

My Khula

NOTE: Since posting this I have seen the sheik about my situation. While everything I post here is informational, truly every person's situation is unique. For me, I needed to explain to him more information about the three situation than I have explained on the blog.

In the end, he told me that it is unclear to do anything other than the three months iddah. To be very clear, he recommends three months, even after a third divorce.

While I thought that I got a khula, the sheik says that it was not because, in the end, the man did divorce me. No one in authority forced him to accept a divorce.

I guess, what I want any reader to understand from these notes is this: do your internet research, but don't stop there. Go see a sheik and be completely in the clear, especially if you are possibly involve others in wrong.

I did get a second opinion---I wasn't, "sheik shopping," but I ended up getting more thoughts on the matter. Though he would rather meet with both parties to decide the matter more thoroughly, the sheik did offer up some thoughts. This is what was said:

"You have been given khula. Three schools of thought say that you must wait three months now but Hanbali school of thought says that you wait only one month. I advise you to wait for a period of time before any remarriage so that there will be success to it. Perhaps your emotional state may not be in the right frame of mind to have a long lasting relationship and to be the best wife you can be. Every marriage has residual emotional feelings"

I am searching tonight.

This link had answers to some pretty interesting questions from Muslim Women's Network of Carmichael, California.

This link talks about marriage and talaq.

This link deals with khula, the woman's asking for divorce. It's interesting that we always hear of the Muslimah at the time of Mohammed (pbuh) who had to give her garden back. It is pointed out that is a dowry must be offered to be given back BUT the man does not have to take it back. Out of kindness, a man can gift the dowry as he lets his woman go.

Here's another link about khula. Ya, I'm searching about it tonight. is a great sight. Why didn't I add it before? Got to add that on the side too.

As always, I love . If you click here you'll read what their site says about khula.

When the two parties agree for khulu, a woman is not in need of Iddah, but she is in need of one menstruation before she gets married to another man.

I think I did get a khula. Yes, I did. I asked for a divorce from Mr. Florida. I had good reason to ask. That means that this start of my menses ends my iddah. If I wanted to, I could get married again.



Anonymous said...

Just so you know, islamonline is a hanafi school of thought website. There are a lot of Sahih hadiths that they don't follow. For example, in a Sahih Hadith, Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said that in order for a woman to marry, she must have a Wali. Prophet Muhammad SAID THIS, peace be upon him. However, the Hanafi school of thought is the only school of thought that says it's ok not to have a wali. So, I don't know if you really want to be following islamonline's advice. But again, it's your choice.

Jill said...

what about the legal paperwork? did u get married to Mr. florida legally, or just islamically?

Anonymous said...

MARRIAGE!! Are you really considering it this soon? I don\'t mean to pry into your life, but if your considering marriage this soon it is a little outrageous. Take a breather, live a little, enjoy your children, get to know the real inner you, then you should look for another marriage. Don\'t be male dependent it\'s not the way to go. Take Care!

Little Ms. Muslimah

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Anonymous,

I really feel Is it Hanafi? I mean the category names just don't stay in my brain. I do what feels straight and simple. That's Islam. All the complicated hurdles aren't me.

I did try to have a wali for the last marriage. Didn't really work. While he met with us the day of the marriage, he really was unavailable before then. I would not try for having a wali again.

HOWEVER I would employ the services of any Muslim brother I knew if I felt unsure about proceeding. I did that once with a Pakistani brother who seemed to be shady. He kept calling and insisting. I asked a Pakistani lawyer acquaintance of mine to give him a call and the dudes duked it out verbally. The man who was persuing me dropped his quest to marry me. I later got an email, as many other women did, from a spurned sister who was ratting him out as a scoundrel out for women's money. Alhumdulillah, I never gave him a thing but a week's time.

Asalamalaykom Jill,

We were only married Islamically, which is under contract BUT not entered into the court. In U.S. terms, I was his live-in girlfriend. I would never marry legally again (which always makes the sisters go MUY LOCA on me). Keeping my own money and property, and keeping away from any of his debt are my rights. I would not marry unless it were crucial to us living together.

Asalamlaykom Little Miss M.,

Am I? I'll tell you after tonight.

Veronica said...

You know that you can have the Sheik be your wali, right?
Just remember sis, as Muslims we are not only to follow the Quran, but also what Muhammad peace be upon him says, because Allah says IN the Quran that we are to follow what Muhammad p.b.u.h. tells us to do, and to follow his example. We can't just pick and choose. That's not Islam. What feels right to you may not be the commands of Allah. I mean, something may feel "right" to me, but it could be totally opposite of what Allah commands of us. Just fyi :)

Anonymous said...

Not to get into your business or anything, but marrying legally has benefits. It's a smart idea to be protected legally by the law of the country you live in. Plus, about the wali, if you're "thayib" you've been married before I'm almost sure that you don't need a wali. I'm not a sheikh or anything i just try to learn.

sister in MN said...

Islamonline is a very legitimate and solid mainstream sunni website. Sister, you can feel confident getting good information there, and no its not true that it is Hanafi; most of the time, it follows the opinion of Al-Ijma3, which means the majority of the scholars, or scholars like Sh. Alqaradawi who are in touch with the needs and lives of modern day muslims.
Also, the issue of getting a wali, while it is required, because the hadith states it, Abu Hanifa did state that this is not required for a woman who was previously married. Although it is recommended, its not required. Besides, the point of a wali is not supposed to be a technicality, of meeting someone the day of the marriage contract and having them act as a wali. A wali is supposed to be someone you know and trust will be able to "look out" for you and your interests, in terms of examining the man's history, etc.

sister in MN said...

Just a clarification on the khulu' piece. In Islam, when a man initiates the ending of a marriage, its called talaq. When a woman wants to end the marriage, she asks him for talaq, or pretty much asks him to initiate the talaq. If he agrees, then its your typical "divorce" and the woman does not give anything back to him.
If he refuses to give her talaq or divorce, and she believes she is entitled to it, because he is mistreating her or something, she can go to a sheikh or religious authority, and if he sees fit, he can pretty much force the talaq.
But if it doesn't work that way, or if a woman wants out, but he doesn't, and he hasn't done something so horrible to where a sheikh would make him make talaq, then she can make khulu3.
khulu3 is when a woman pretty much says "you don't want to give my talaq, fine, I'll just make khulu3 and I'll give you back the dowry and whatnot"
the main difference between talaq and khulu3 is that with khulu3 the woman is giving up her rights to keeping the dowry, its a situation where she just wants out and doesn't care about keeping anything.
I hope this helps

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Veronica,

Thanks for your interests in keeping me going straight :) I know your concern is out of love.

Actually, I did have a sheik as my wali last time. While he is a wonderful man, he is also very busy and hard to reach---especially when you add an interpreter to the mix.

Am I picking and choosing? Yes, but not in the way you mean. I am following Islam, alhumdulillah. I am going the route within Islam which is simple and straighforward. I am not making decisions for my Islam which create more obstacles than pathways. My inner core resonates with a magnetic pull to those things that are true---I think everyone in touch with their inner core has this. I do let my conscience help guide me to practice of Islam which makes sense.

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

Hey, I pretty much invite all of you into my business. LOL! You are welcome as a commentator to say what you wish. I am welcome as a blogger to take what is good and leave the bad from anything you say :)

You're right that there are some merits to marrying legally. For instance, health care benefits would be AWESOME right now. I have no health care for me or Mr. Boo at the moment.

However, I would need to examine the pluses and minuses in a case-by-case basis. We'll see.

Asalamalaykom Sister in MN,

Thank you for choosing s NAME! I appreciate any amount of creativity and individuality from my readers :)

Your comments rock. You better keep on commenting now because I'm in love with your line of reasoning. Wonder if I know you...let me know if you do.

Readers can always send me messages through the comments by starting them with: DO NOT POST and then I can go from there.

I do not have an email which is posted because...I don't. This seems to work, though.

Anonymous said...

Are you? Please do give details.....

Little Ms. Muslimah