Friday, August 29, 2008

Bitter. Sweet.

The best times in life really are in the middle between being bitter and being sweet.

It's the moment you love, but you know you won't be able to hold on to.

It's seeing both sides of life and accepting that it could go either way. When it is sweet, but you keep in mind the bitter, you can appreciate the deliciousness more.

Today, I can see everything clearer.

You know the old song,

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

There are no obstacles in my way.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

It's going to be a bright,bright bright sun shinny day."

The sun is shining today. However, I can't really say that the sun is what has changed my sight.

It's the fact that my mind is at rest on my decision not to go to Saudi.

Two days ago, the sheik told me that if you over-think, your brain loses all the energy you could use on the project. Choosing and then following your choice is better than indecision. I did make my choice to stay put. I am happy with that.

I found yesterday that I enjoyed my son more. I forgave my mother easier. I accepted AbuBoo better.

We went to the playground together yesterday: me, Mr. Boo and his father. The little one needed that. The big one needed it too I suppose, but he's not really my concern. They played together and loved together.

Me? I got to step aside and take my call from the new dude on his way out of work and to the airport. We got to joke about how a dinosaur hit my head (that was one heavy toy) and how he thought they were extinct. I will miss joking with him over the next days. We've laughed a lot and those laughs came at a time when I really needed them.

I took lots of pictures of my son and his father yesterday. I hadn't been able to look through the lens for weeks now. I hadn't taken pictures of them. I couldn't. Yesterday, I could.

I could also nicely demand some child support. He said he didn't have any money. He reasoned that, since I was staying at my mom's I didn't really need any. I tried again. I told him that only he knew how much he could spare. Allah knew too. He wanted me to say the amount I needed---like we were bargaining over a car sale. I wasn't going to play that. In the end, he brought over a hundred in cash. I took it, but told him that I was giving it to my mother.

When I handed the bills to her, I told her that this was from AbuBoo to help pay for all her expenses for keeping us with her. She then gave him a big hug with lots of thanks.

That was hard for me.

There was the man who didn't want to give any money, who hadn't thought of my mother paying more for all her bills. There was my mother, who has threatened to kick us out. There they were sharing a kind moment while I watched. It was bitter. For me, I really had to know the truth with Allah and swallow hard.

Life. If you are living it, it hurts a bit.

Today, I heard word from Saudi. The Head Teacher, who had tried to marry me, was letting me know that he respected my decision, as I had to do what was best for my son and me. He was kind. I was kind in return. We never discussed more than that. We said goodbye. Alhumdulillah. I feel relief from that messy situation. It was never going to feel clean with him, or with Saudi. It was too complicated in every way.

I read something today in my book of affirmations. We often think of doing good as taking these huge leaps of heroism. Really, though, life is about making the right steps. Sometimes, we are so overpowered by the thought of getting somewhere with one big jump. The fear of that jump stops us from moving one inch. If we really stopped our grandiosity, we could see how getting to our desired destination could happen easier with just one foot in front of the other.

Now, I can see the way to walk. Before, I couldn't figure out how to make the jump. I can however, see clearly the path today. It's between bitter and sweet and it's best taken in manageable moments day-by-day.


Anonymous said...

RAMADAN MUBARAK YOSRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yosra said...

Asalamlaykom Anonymous,

And Ramadan Kareem to you. Do I also have to put so many exclamation marks?