Friday, September 21, 2007

Shutting the Door


Asalamalaykom

I wish all of you peace in my garden; my little piece of earth.

There was a door to the garden. Did you see it as you came in? It used to be locked. None could enter.

Then, I unlocked the door with the key, which the sweet little bird helped me to find. Now, I could get in and invite all of you to join me. I thought that I could spend time with you and feel refreshed from the experience.

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I don't.

Lately, I can't shake the thought that I'm not meant to be with you. It's un-Islamic. Even if it's talking about aspects to religion, or even if I attempt to be worshipful of Allah, or kind within the ummah or spreading dawaah...no, the good just isn't outweighing the bad.

I'm uncomfortable.

I opened this place to you to be peaceful and restful, but I've discovered that I can't keep the door open to all. Yet, I can't very well have a guard letting some in and some not. I also can't disregard some while warmly welcoming others. The door has been open to all who pass but now I have to shut it and after Ramadan, lock it.

I have kept trying, but the truth is that blogging isn't working for me. I don't want to incur God's wrath and it seems that I set myself up for Allah's displeasure with being here. I would rather not. I did as much good as I could and still it is not good enough. The bad outweighs the good.

Inshahallah, I will eventually find a way to share my time on this earth with you through halal means. Please send a prayer that I find that way and that it benefits everyone with goodness and increased iman.

Masalama.


Allah Jallay Shan (Allah is Great and Glorious)

Praise to You, there is no end for You.

If there is any example of You then there is no example of You at all. (No one is like You)

It’s your perfection in the everything of this world which is perfect.

You are The Most Glorious of All the Glorious.

Our beloved Prophet Mohammed is the very respectful reference of Your introduction.

O, Allah! The Greatest! The Most Glorious!

(O, Allah) You are The Highest of the Highest.

Your every word is chosen and selected.

Jinn, angels and human beings all praise You, oh my Lord.

(O, Allah) Fill up my empty begging sack.
Shower Your Mercy and Benevolence upon me.
You are The Only King, who fills the sacks of beggars.

O, Allah! The greatest! The most glorious!

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Assalaamu'alaikum,

I have been reading your blog every morning this Ramadan, and I am enjoying it so much.

With the benefit of other blogs as well, I find myself reflecting on things that would not have crossed my mind without the gentle reminders I am finding on the net. My Ramadan is feeling more directed and focused. Somehow, it's like having a hand of encouragement to read about the introspection of others.

Yours is the first blog I read though, and I will miss you and your delightful way with words and your means of switching a light on to make me see something different.

You have to do what you are comfortable with, but I needed to tell you that your words have reached me. Jazakallah.

Anonymous said...

I completely second that... please don't stop blogging.

I don't understand how you are incurring His displeasure with this current blog?

Wassalaamu 'alaykum

Anonymous said...

Either someone wrote something disparaging to you or a certain someone wants you to stop blogging altogether? Now which one is it. I don't buy the "blogging is haram" excuse. But hey, it is your life, you do as you will. Rabena Maaki.

At least put up the series "miracles Happen At Ramadan" up. I have heard too many good things about it and have yet to read it!

Anonymous said...

Your blog over Ramadan has been like a lifeline to me and is the first thing I read too - the moment I awake. I will miss your input greatly.

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Readers,

I appreciate the time it took to express your kind thoughts. I have written with you in mind; believers who are searching.

In my own search to do what's right, I've come to the conclusion that a Muslimah blogger runs more risks than a male. If I choose the hejab, to cover and protect myself, then how can I come to this place and remove that barrier? Technology might fool us, but truly I am conversing with strangers and men who are stranger specifically.

If I sat in front of my house and talked to everyone who walked by, would I be safeguarding myself? Wouldn't I be opening myself up to trouble? And if you saw me talking to men, wouldn't you warn me to be careful?

Ok, now think: if I was wanting to marry eventually, would a prospective husband want a wife who does this loose talk? A woman who talks so with strange men? Wouldn't he rather want a woman who observes her hejab? It wouldn't mean that he thought she was bad, but that the world holds much that is questionable and often it is better to err on the side of caution.

Shoe on the other foot time: would I want a husband who spends time conversing with strangers via the computer? A man who has cyber relationships with women? I wouldn't! If you would, that's up to you. I often place the shoe on the other foot to see how I should act. To be with Mr.Right, I must be Mrs. Right.

And then, there's the issue of negativity. I thought if I made this a clean site filled with kindness and goodness, that I would be able to maintain that feeling. I can't. The negativity comes in. I can approve comments and delete them from the screen, but they are still in my head. I am strong, but I am using some of my precious strength to combat other people's issues. I've got enough issues of my own :). I don't really want to be on the receiving end of someone's rant. Unfortunately, some readers comment like I'm a computer, when the truth is that I'm sensitive. The comments don't even have to be about me for me to feel badly. And then, what do I do? Do I print them? Do I disregard? I didn't want to bring that negativity to this site, but in order to keep it out, I have to work too hard.

This is "After Hardship There is Ease," but I'm not feeling it for the reasons I mentioned. I am sorry for bowing out (AGAIN to those readers who have been with me forever). This will be the last time.

Alhumdulillah, I got a chance to make a nice new blog (ala Maggie at Apple Pie Muslimah) and to feel the cleansing spirit that came along with that. I got to feel some redemption and verification from being showcased as a blog to read. I did get many good feelings.

I did decide not to place "Miracles Happen at Ramadan" on this site during the holy month. I had some questions as to the wisdom of that. I need to stay good for my soul. This year's Ramadan is so important to me. You have no idea.

I know that Ramadan is important to you too. Please consider going back to previous entries---especially to the one in which I told of the words to say when breaking the fast. That one in particular has a ton of links to other great, informative sites. Click on the word "Allah" within the text for those links.

Sometimes, the limitations, when willingly accepted from Allah, root us properly so that we can grow and reach higher. That is my goal.

Thank you for your understanding and for any du'a that you can make for me to spread Islam in a halal way.

Ramadan Kareem :)

Safa said...

I don't want you to go. You've touched many ppl with your insightful writing style......you've written things that make BORN muslims stop and think. Others who are considering Islam come to you for guidance.

And yet you leave?

With your grasp of your religion....which has been getting stronger and stronger.....you reach out to others, looking for perfection....looking for cleansing....and you are willing to share what you've learnt, while others hug their knowledge greedily....

And yet you leave?

You wake up each morning thankful to Allah....and you write to us of that thankfulness....until we, too.....realize that we have much to be thankful for.....

And yet you leave?

And you write to us of inconveniences.....a thorn in your side.....and you bring the glory of Allah out of it.....when we all feel sorry for you....and wish you peace and quiet......then we surprise ourselves by saying SubhanAllah with you!

And yet you leave?

You've brought us through it all and honestly shown the worst of the worst...to show us how Allah accepts those who repent.....and then open something wonderful....yes, a small door.....and we feel like it's opening for us as well...

And yet you leave?

~~~~~

I've been a follower of your blog since forever....was there a time that I didn't have you? And it's with a VERY heavy hand that I say goodbye to you and your blog. And although I realize that you have a sound argument.....I still have to object.

And then......I respect you for your decisions....and who can fault you for travelling yet to a higher plane? Not I.....

And I suppose that others will come and fill up the spot that you've left....bloggers come and go....I've seen many of them. I just want you to be happy....and content. And peaceful.....

And I guess....i really want you to stick around....even if just for selfish me.....sigh.

You are loved.
You are wanted.
You are special.

And yet......you leave.

John & Anthea Mullis said...

There are many arguements here and all are valid.

Yes, we have all gained imeasurably from your 'ministry' to each of us, And yes there is a cost to you in doing this, we all appreciate that.

Giving always carries a cost.

And while there may be safety and comfort in retreating back in to a more private obscure position, there may also be less personal growth and healing there for you too.

Your ability to articulate and share the struggles of your journey help us understand the mystery of ours,...

and you to be healed in yours.

There is a healthy codependency here.

When you contemplated this new format with us I questioned my involvement saying I would not want it to compromised your integrity as a Muslima. So i want to ask you to consider that question again.

I/we will continue to read your blog but I will refrain from any further interactive comment as a mark of respect to you, your gift, and your sisters in Allah.

Personally I think yours is a gift from Allah to your sisters and would counsel against a hasty decision on your part. Perhaps you could consider restricting site entry to those readers you know or who may be recommended by them.

Allah come to bring us peace in our hearts, not shame and confusion and our one wish would be that you find and treasure that peace, always.

Anonymous said...

This is anon 7:12pm... I just wrote you a really long comment and it failed to post. It's lost now. I really want to give you some advice about the blog - please do not close comments or close the blog until I post again, as I don't have time to write it again now.

UmmBadier said...

Asalamu Walaikum,
I have been reading but not commenting as I am kind of a grumpy pants these days :(
You pray on it and do what you gotta do sis. Ask Allah to guide you to your "medium" as verily (hehe) you are an artiste :)
Love and Salam,
~Brooke

MusliRican said...

Allah is Most Merciful, Oft Forgiving. Remember that always. I clicked on your page and that ayah about hardship was exactly what i needed to start my day off. subhanallah.

dramamama said...

Assalamualaikum,

Dear sis, I am a big fan of listening to your heart, rationalising and then decide. And it seems you've done a good job of it and have come to a decision. You have to do what you have to do.

I will miss you, but I wish you well. May Allah shower his blessings on you and yours.

xx

Anonymous said...

I will really, really miss your writing. It was always beautiful and thoughtful.

May Allah grant you and yours peace, always.

- Just another anonymous.

Relief said...

Dear Sister,

As'salamu alaykum - you will be missed by me but I understand what you are conveying as my husband feels the same which is why my blog sucks now after he read it and I felt like I couldn't be as straightforward as I would like without upsetting him and raising fitnah when brothers comment.

May Allah bless you with all that is good.