There's a small still voice inside me which feels the pain of this moment. A goodnight without a kiss. A husband without a smile. A son who I never would have had unless I had loved. Supplying someone with what they need as I run out of all I am.
Inside me the twinges grow stronger and I become weaker but with greater resolve.
I must be who I am and suffer alone if no one understands how to be with me. I must chase the important choices and love only what matters.This time I am breaking open not breaking apart. I am giving birth to myself. My writing down will be my proof once I stop hurting long enough to fall into sleep and then wake again. I must wake again and look again at who I said I was.
These fragments of my new identity cannot be pieced together in the moonlight, but must be found after dawn. Once I collect enough of my true being, I can breathe deep and release from the past.
I dreamt of you last night. A sad, frightening dream of blood and pain and wistful longing. I wanted to be kind to you and I wanted to do what was right. They took you away and I felt so alone. I felt guilty too, of hurting you. Do you ever dream of me?
Who still carries me in their dreams? Where do I live in the dreamscape? Which person holds me in their psyches still? Am I in the pleasant restful slumbers or in crazy nonsensical night terrors?
Tonight, please hold on to me in your sweet embraces and tenderly reassure. Tell me I'm the one you adore and know that I can do no more. Expect nothing grand. Give nothing but praise. Let me be all you promised that you would be for me.