Saturday, December 2, 2006

Grappling

Grappling Inflected Form(s): grap·pled; grap·pling /'gra-p(&-)li[ng]/transitive verb1 : to seize with or as if with a grapple2 : to come to grips with : WRESTLE3 : to bind closely

Yep. That's what I'm doing. I'm grappling; I'm trying to seize, or come to grips with; to wrestle. With what? With whom? Well, with a lot. With where my life is right now. With my role as a mom. With who my children are, and their needs. With the man I've been married to, as opposed to the man I fell in love with. With Islam. With the roles of a wife in Islam. With polygany. With this headache I've had all day.

Are you still with me?I don't even want to be with me, so I'm not really sure why you're here.

Things haven't gone well today. That's an understatement. It's perhaps better to say that this has to be my rock bottom. I just don't want to live if there's something lower than this moment. Really.

So, I sit typing away without very many answers. About the one thing that I could figure out today is that there is one person for whom I must remain on this earth and that's the baby. He actually needs me. The others can get along without me, but not him. I must continue for him.

I thought of naming this post, "Desperately Seeking Yosra," but thought the referrence would be too obscure. I'm so 80s. I love the movie "Desperately Seeking Susan," and I wanted to watch it tonight, but I must have loaned it out.

I watched "Trading Spouses" instead and laughed when the screen came up with an appeal for other families to apply. Really? Could any other woman go through this life I'm living? Would viewers be able to believe this stuff? I can hardly believe it and I'm knee-deep in it. Sigh. I'll let you go. I've got so much more I could say, but I just can't say it. That's really unlike me, but this day has done me in.

Originally posted as Honorary Arab

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