Thursday, August 24, 2006

If Only...

If only...those are the words that allow Shaytan to enter into your life.
"If only I hadn't met him."
"If only he hadn't been married before."
"If only we hadn't had a child."
"If only he didn't have children with her."
It's so tiring. The truth is what the truth is. And the truth will set you free, because the truth is with Allah.
Sometimes, it's hard to really see the truth. Or, you see the truth of where you are now, but you want to wait to see what is really going to happen in the next juncture.That's where I am.
I believe that I see the truth. I know better now than the time when I married my husband. I know now that he isn't as good of a man as I really need. Astragferallah. I pride myself on honesty, and I chose, perhaps, the most dishonest person I have ever known to marry. TO MARRY! What was I thinking? I guess I was thinking that he'd lie to everyone except me. But, he lies to me because he lies to himself and to God as well. Astragferallah May God forgive.
So! Here I am! And I know we're going someplace, figuratively and literally, and I don't know where. I am like the tarot card of the man walking off the cliff. I know, I shouldn't mention divination cards, but in all honesty, the symbolism is meaningful still to me. It's archetypal. That happy-go-lucky lad traveling the backroads of life with his dog companion has absolutely got one foot in the air and only his right foot keeps him on solid ground.
Or, for you lovers of children's literature, The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles (ahem, I've got a signed copy, thank you very much, Julie Edwards/Andrews) has a good example. The only way the children can get to the Whangdoodles' palace is on an invisible bridge. They have to believe it's there. If they start to fear it isn't going to support them, they fall to their death.
I do know that I have to keep going and not think about the "If only" of the past.
At the same time, I have to keep away from the "If only" of the future too.
"If only I could find her posting her photo on a single's sight." I've looked and haven't found her...Yet. I've obsessed and have lost sleep to no avail.
"If only she could show more of her true colors!"
"If only she could get tired of waiting and get her own man!"
But, really, I'm wanting to stay away from thinking about her. It is so self-defeating. It is truly her victory over me if I loose sleep because of her.
It's harder to keep away from thoughts of my husband.
"If only he could understand the severity of what he's doing."
"If only he began to realize what a financial drain this will be."
"If only he knew her real inner life."
And, of course, I think about myself.
"If only I could fly to Egypt and show everyone how great I am with the baby."
"If only I had more time to convince him of our love."
"If only I could pray enough to wish all of this away."
It's all still here. And it's a mess. It is! I know! It's messy for me, and my kids (even if they don't know about this), my parents, my friends and you reading this. I don't actually want this life. Nope. I don't. I escaped from a bad life before but I am not going to escape this time. I am going to see it out. I am going to do what's easiest and most simple. That isn't leaving him or divorcing him. Not here. Not now.
Dr. Phil talked again today about doing the least you have to in order to fix a situation. Don't do the most because the most you can do is going to have lots of ripples of repercussions.
In this situation, the least I can do is: sit and stay and get my money out of this house, stash it away where he can't get it, nurse and grow my baby for the next year while he pays for it (grumbling all the way to the bank and I don't care, since he agreed to it before I even conceived), stay close to my other two kids and grow them more, get stronger in my faith, blog, move to reduce debt, keep halal and know that his haram doesn't touch me.That's my plan, enshahallah.
He's got a lot of plans, but his plans don't null and void what I've got in mind. In fact, whatever he does can co-exist with what I am going to do, enshahallah.
And let's take a moment to remember his previous plans:
Plan: Start a seafood restaurant
Status: Never happened
Plan: Move to a college town and take over a pizza place
Status: Looked for a house to buy and I started applying for jobs, but ultimately never happened
Plan: Export meat to Egypt
Status: Working on it for three years and as of yet has never happened
Plan: Have nephews live with us for six years working for pennies while attending school
Status: Never happened that way. They stayed 4 1/2 months and couldn't get in to American schools and weren't good workers in the store.
Plan: Go to Egypt at Ramadan
Status: Never happened yet in over four years, though we have planned for it every year
So, let's see. Let's do our best and give the rest to Allah. Allah knows what's going on. Allah knows EVERYTHING that's said or done. Alhumdulillah. I don't have to be the judge, the jury, the detective, the police officer, the imam. No! I just need to be me. I need to do my work; to not delve into worry.
I need to not ask him, "What's troubling your mind?"I shouldn't ask BECAUSE HE'LL TELL ME! Why should I burden myself with his burdens? I need to steer clear of his burdens. His mess is too much for me to handle. He needs to go to Allah with his troubles. I'm not saying that he can't tell me he had a hard day at work. Go ahead! I can rub your back, Habibi.
But I certainly don't need to know the latest scheme to commit haram! No, I do not! And I don't want to know one, single, solitary thing about her. Nope! Does me good to compartmentalize his life. There's a lot of things that are unsavory and those things can stay away from the good of our marriage. If I hear them, then I am tainted, and our marriage is tainted, and then our son gets tainted as well.
It's like what I've told my older kids about anger. "Anger is like red paint. It gets on you and if you try to get rid of it on somebody else, then you both are covered in it. You have to clean it up yourself." Haram works in the same way.He isn't clean with this. He isn't clean in so many ways. But, he is good in many others.
He did get shocked with my reaction yesterday. He didn't know I would react so strongly. He came home with kindness and tenderness and kept showing it, even when I didn't want it. We shared some words in the evening that were cutting and hurtful and maybe we needed to. At the end of the evening, we were able to laugh with our son.Tonight, things are much more back to him and me and life together.
I keep going. Where? I don't know. But I'm not going to focus too much on the past or the future and "If only," because "If only" is with Shaytan and I want to give gratitude right here and now for what is real. Alhumdulillah.

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