Thursday, June 22, 2006

Painful Dreams


There's a small still voice inside me which feels the pain of this moment. A goodnight without a kiss. A husband without a smile. A son who I never would have had unless I had loved. Supplying someone with what they need as I run out of all I am.
Inside me the twinges grow stronger and I become weaker but with greater resolve.
I must be who I am and suffer alone if no one understands how to be with me. I must chase the important choices and love only what matters.This time I am breaking open not breaking apart. I am giving birth to myself. My writing down will be my proof once I stop hurting long enough to fall into sleep and then wake again. I must wake again and look again at who I said I was.
These fragments of my new identity cannot be pieced together in the moonlight, but must be found after dawn. Once I collect enough of my true being, I can breathe deep and release from the past.
I dreamt of you last night. A sad, frightening dream of blood and pain and wistful longing. I wanted to be kind to you and I wanted to do what was right. They took you away and I felt so alone. I felt guilty too, of hurting you. Do you ever dream of me?
Who still carries me in their dreams? Where do I live in the dreamscape? Which person holds me in their psyches still? Am I in the pleasant restful slumbers or in crazy nonsensical night terrors?
Tonight, please hold on to me in your sweet embraces and tenderly reassure. Tell me I'm the one you adore and know that I can do no more. Expect nothing grand. Give nothing but praise. Let me be all you promised that you would be for me.

1 comment:

Yosra said...

From Mostly Anonymous Halimah:

"Who still carries me in their dreams? Where do I live in the dreamscape? Which person holds me in their psyches still? Am I in the pleasant restful slumbers or in crazy nonsensical night terrors?"

*applause applause applause applause*

Can I please use this quote, ensuring I attribute it to you of course?!

From Me:

Asalamu Alaykom Halimah,

It's always interesting to see where a new reader lands in my blog. I follow the path and re-read what I've written. I didn't remember writing this at first. Towards the end, I remembered a bit of that moment and that feeling. Many feelings from that time were too intense and best left in the past. I don't ever want to feel that intensity of pain again.

My solution? I love men a LOT LESS and love Allah a LOT MORE.

Yes, you can quote it if you wish. Putting it in context is better. I don't want anyone to over romanticize love. It is not about so much anguish or it isn't a healthy love. Real love doesn't have to hurt so badly. Real love might be a bit boring by comparison, but I welcome more of the same-old, same-old consistency.

"Crazy love" only ends in being far from Allah.

Maybe you will understand this too---inshahallah.

:)

Yosra